My Mosaic

[Bow]

@Jynx  You heading off now? Or you staying around for a bit?

[Jynx]

I know right @Bow that was probably the biggest concern for me!! Haha N adores me so I was really hoping they would both get along - gotta get my nephew's approval after all!! 

Does D like board games much?

[Jynx]

Covering for tyme tonight @Bow so be here till 10 😋

[Bow]

Can I talk to you? Bout something? @Jynx 

[Jynx]

Fire away @Bow here to listen 💜

[Bow]

@Jynx I’m struggling heaps with dissociation. Like it’s been happening for years, but at the moment, in recent weeks it’s different yeah. Heaps more intense. Previously I’d have the odd occasion where I’d disappear and forget periods of time and do things I don’t remember. But that’s happening heaps more at the moment. And it’s freaking me out. So much of my day is missing. It’s shitty and distressing 

[Jynx]

@Bow not to the point you're describing, but I do get really bad memory issues. Having other people know more about my own life than I do is so bizarre, and when I forget IMPORTANT THINGS (i.e. like forgetting one of my new partner's triggers...) it makes for very BIG frustration. 

But also, I know exactly why my memory is so bad - you don't!! That adds in a whole nother layer of distress! I can imagine it's really confusing and like, not knowing why or even what is triggering it (unless you have noticed a pattern?) would be monumentally destabilising and understandably worrisome! 

You spoken to any of your supports about it yet? Totally legit if you haven't, you've had sooo much on your plate. And is there anything you could think of that occurred or changed a couple weeks ago when it began to worsen? 

Do remember - as distressing as dissociation is, it is also our brain's way of protecting us. It's not to say you ought to just 'accept it' or 'just not worry!', but hopefully that eases a smidge of the fear to keep in mind 💜

[Bow]

I’ve struggled with my memory for a long time @Jynx specifically since struggling with my mental health in my 20s. And yeah when other people can tell you stuff about your own life that you don’t recall sucks indeed. 

I don’t really know why it has got worse. Only that I had that trauma anniversary in Jan/feb. But things SHOULD be better now. It usually is. So yeah it’s distressing not know what’s going on. 

I haven’t really spoken to folks about it much. Like I seen my pdoc today and my CM and SW was there. And like I mentioned it happens. But yeah. This pdoc is so different. He asked a heap of questions and I was mostly able to answer them, but I don’t know, this stuff is scary and distressing and I kinda feel a bit guarded about it. It means being heaps vulnerable and I don’t know if I can do that with him. 

I’m due to see my psych tomorrow but I’m so scared. Scared it will happen there. And I feel like our relationship isn’t real good at the moment. 

it’s the lack of control. It’s doing scary stuff while I’m not there. 

urgh not something to get all teary and cry about though. Stupid me

[Jynx]

@Bow mm it does hey! Solidarity fist bump 🤜🤛

Does the dissociation usually get as bad as this then taper off, or is this worse and no tapering? 

It's rough having distressing stuff happening like, now, but not having enough trust yet with your new supports to feel like you can talk about it. What about your GP, there some trust and a safe space to be vulnerable there? Could be a place to start just in terms of also looking at any potential health-related reasons. 

Could you alert your psych prior to session that you're worried about dissociating? Has your psych supported you through a dissociation in session before? I'm sorry your relationship isn't feeling good either - if you feel up to it, I think that would be very helpful information for your psych to have. One can't work on repairing a relationship if one is unaware it's broken! 

Hey.... hey Bow.... it is 100% something you're allowed to be teary about. I'm really glad you are! Cos teary means emotional release. What you're going through? It is SCARY AS HECK ok? You are actually, believe it or not, being incredibly brave. Proud of you. And thanks for trusting me too hun, would be hard to talk about I've no doubt 💜 

[Bow]

🤜🤛 @Jynx 

sorry I fell asleep! 

Hope you got some sunshine today and was able to do some adventuring before jumping on here. 

Yeah I feel like this is much worse this year.  And certainly no tapering off. Waiting… hoping for it to happen but it just doesn’t seem to be. Life is usually back to some kind of normalcy by now. 

it feels scary to talk about cause it feels so out of control. Feels so in the unknown. Will the people I talk about it to understand? Will they get it? Or will I be put in the freaks too hard basket? 
Nah not my gp. I think if anyone it would be my support worker.  I’ve mentioned it briefly to her and she has commented that her daughter has struggled with that a bit. (All 4 of her daughters have mental health issues). So I guess that is reassuring. But it still feels really hard to talk about. I don’t understand it. I don’t know what is going on half the time. Like today. I go to community mh for my psych appointment, I’m sitting there super anxious. I start getting heaps agitated and rocking back and forth and then I’m gone. No freaking idea what happened and how I got back out to the car. But approx 90mins went by and I was not at my appointment. Like what the heck??? What? Why? How? I sat in the car crying freaked out. I don’t know what is going on. some how managed to get myself home feeling so sick. 

I could notify her… I’d have to call her cause they don’t blinking allow any other form of communication. It makes me angry. Maybe I could get my SW to email her. I’m sure that’s allowed. Yeah I think this psych has supported me through dissociation in session… or at least the start of it and she caught it before it progresses too far. My old psych did heaps and she was good at supporting me. 

I been heaps emotional this afternoon. It’s exhausting though