My Mosaic

[Bow]

thanks @rav3n @Jynx 

im just gonna try sleep

sorey again

bye

[Jynx]

No sorry needed @Bow I am always glad to hear from you, and always happy to sit with you during the tough nights. I'd much rather that than you muddling through alone!!  Hope you get some rest sweet thing!! See you tomorrow 💜

[rav3n]

no apology needed at all @Bow you are allowed to feel those emotions and reach out. always.

hope you rest up well 💜

[Bow]

@Jynx ?

I talked with my SW today 

[Jynx]

@Bow good on you hun, how'd it go?

[Bow]

Well I actually sent her this heaps long text late last night @Jynx  i couldn’t sleep. So wrote out everything that has been happening. What happened last Thursday when I was suppose to be at my psych appointment. 
She replied early this morning and said that she wanted to check in with me while I was at the office for arts and craft. 
She was heaps validating. She thought that I had gone to my appointment and that I just didn’t remember any of it. I explained that no I didn’t. That I checked in and waited but then I don’t remember anything after that but I did not go in. That I was there waiting and then…. Is it .. I came back? And I was in my car. 
She expressed heaps of concern. Like especially if I’m driving? She did a lot of talking once I had explained what happened. Said that my psych, CM and pdoc definitely need to know. 😩 also said I did not need hospital. I most certainly agreed with that!

she said that this is my brains way of protecting me when things are too much?? Is that right? 

she will meet me at health tomorrow before my appointment with my psych. I am so anxious. I think I am going to have to completely ignore the fact that my psych doesn’t like it when I write stuff down. I need to go in there prepared in case I just can’t get words out. 

she also made sure I was ok to get in the car and drive cause I was very obviously heightened. We did some breathing 

[Jynx]

Aww your SW is so good @Bow!! I'm glad to hear that she has been so supportive. And yeah, bet it's a relief to hear she doesn't reckon you need hospital!! 

Yep, dissociation is a fun feature of our survival system - quite literally you are unable to be further traumatised if you aren't even present. So whilst it is obviously something that can cause a lot of distress, it's not because there's something wrong with you - quite the opposite in fact. 

Maybe your SW can help explain about needing to use notes tomorrow? 

[Bow]

She could @Jynx  but health via my CM last week made it very clear that they are wanting me to use my voice. I had a chat with my CM and SW after my pdoc appointment last week and my SW mentioned how I have made these communication cards and asked whether it was possible to use them with them and my CM said no. There is no way to send pictures (via text or email) and that I just needed to use my words 😩 it is so very frustrating. 
my SW even went on to say that it’s often the case with people that she works with that when they don’t engage with the service they exist them cause they don’t want it anymore, but with me it is definitely not the case. I want the support, I need the support, but words are just too hard and that using these cards is how I can communicate what I am needing. 

it makes me angry @Jynx if only they would just give me a chance. I feel like I never have the opportunity to get very far cause we start doing hard stuff and I shut down. If they would just work with me how I need to do it then maybe I’d get past those initial few rocks and get momentum going. 
but no. 

[Jynx]

@Bow it really is a bit baffling hey... have they actually given you a reasonable justification as to why they won't let you use your preferred method of communication? Sounds kinda ableist to me, what if it was an autistic person? Heck, I go non-verbal all the time! Like it just seems like they're trying to put you into a box that says 'mentally healthy people look like this' and if you don't look like that, something is wrong with you... 🤔😒

Also just FYI I am going to the webinar at 7!! So may not get much more chatting in tonight!

[Bow]

I don’t think they have really @Jynx  not that my fuzzy brain can recall. 

what actually is a webinar? Do you just log on and then sit and watch/listen someone share about a topic?