My Mosaic

[Bow]

Haha @Eve7  you got it all sorted then! I like to think I can do it all without a man too! 

Yeah @Jynx  ive done a bit today. Something about making sure I push myself extra hard when feeling like this. Every time I have a scary moment it’s a remind for the ED that it’s doing a good job. It like a reward? Pretty *#%€ing messed up. 

we walk to the duck pond and do a lap then stop at the playground so D can have a play. I lay on the big swing and watch the clouds. 

[Jynx]

That sounds so lovely @Bow, do you ever feed the ducks?

Yeah it's a mindf**k for sure, but you're aware of it, and working on it, even if you still feel quite trapped in it at the moment.

[Bow]

@Jynx  We sometimes take down some frozen peas. The ducks and geese love them. The little duck and geese families have doubled in size… so many little babies! 

Couple of nights ago… our silly puppy chased the geese and followed them into the water… got deep very quickly and under she went! 

[Jynx]

😮 Oh no, silly puppy!!

Aww I bet the families are growing because they get delicious peas to make sure they grow up happy and healthy!! I love it 🐣😍

[Bow]

 

 has cooled down a lot thankfully. It’s actually thundering. 

[Bow]

if only in the beat of a heart

life would end 

it would be no more

life that was would come to an end

a complete stop

there would be stillness and calm

no more raging and confusion

no more pain and heartache

just the stillness and coldness of a …….,,,,

a lifeless soul

an emotionless spirit 

thankful for no more suffering

just the scars of a tormented mind

its the only evidence of what once was

what no one seemed  to understanding 

of this child’s suffering 

which left her to …… alone

[Jynx]

In the beat of a heart

Lies possibility;

In the beat of a heart

There is always hope.

There is no calm, no peace, no relief,

In death.

There is only nothing,

Absence,

Void.

It is only through pain

That we can know bliss

Only through confusion

That we can know contentment

Only through suffering

That we can know kindness.

I hope it's okay for me to respond to you in this way @Bow, I love the raw expression of poetry and felt inspired by your post, if also quite concerned. Have you got some supports you can reach out to tonight? Sitting with you 💜

[Bow]

they said to call when they were here today but I don’t want to don’t want to answer all their questions don’t want to tell them the truth and don’t wanna lie best to just keep quiet rock here on the bedroom floor listening to the darkness in my head trying not to do what it says

[Jynx]

@Bow I imagine the process and the questions are very much a crappy thing to go through. It is truly a tragedy of this system that you and many others feel the need to lie due to fear of repercussions.

At the end of the day, the most important thing is for you to be safe, and it sounds like that is a struggle for you right now.

What stands out to me the most is this:

---

trying not to do what it says

---

You are fighting to stay here, to push back the darkness, and to get through a difficult night. You could even contact a crisis line via phone or chat simply to help you get a little closer to tomorrow, to shave away the hours of the darkness and hope for an easier tomorrow. You can tell them as much or as little as you want, but you don't have to be alone in this moment.

[Bow]

I can’t 

I can’t even do that

ill go

sorry