Lived Experience Forum

[Willy73]

Hi everyone

I’m a 48 yr old woman, who has gotten through life ok. I have two lovely boys, a good job and nice house. I’ve realised for a long time that my unhappy childhood and various traumas effected my self esteem and self worth. I have been a heavy weekend drinker (alcoholic) for the last ten years. I’m not sure when it started but I sunk into a depression for the last year (to friends and colleagues I appear fine and happy go lucky). Two weeks ago whilst drunk I Facebook messaged my cousin who I haven’t spoken to in 20 years to tell him his father tried to molest me. This event when I was a child effectively ended my family’s relationship - my father and uncle didn’t talk for 37 years. After I posted my cousin, two days later my uncle turned up on my doorstep (he had travelled 1000km). We talked, I forgave him, he and my father (who lives with me) reconciled, hugged etc. I told my uncle that we all needed to move forward and he needed to be the best father for his boys. He stayed for two days but no matter how much I told him we all needed to move forward, he talked about suicide and would say he ruined everyone’s lives. Yesterday we found out he died by suicide. I feel beyond awful and feel like I’m falling apart. I feel as though what I did played a role in his death and now unbelievable trauma for my cousins.

I guess I needed to unload this as I feel I caused a husband and father to end his life. We are all complicated beings and I’m gutted.  I truely forgave him and wanted us to all move forward. I will be talking to a therapist (first time in my life) and I encourage everyone to find that person you can talk to, keeping things inside, trying to be brave or keeping secrets is not healthy.

 
Thank you for reading my post, just sharing this is helping me to process everything.

[Zoe7]

Hi @Willy73 That is such a hard position to be in but also so brave to confront your uncle as you did. From my perspective, you did nothing wrong and are in no way to blame. It seems that your uncle may have had some regrets and underlying issues of his own. These are definitely not ones you could know or deal with yourself. It is of course very sad that this has happened - and I can fully appreciate you feeling some responsibility here but the choice to end one's life is that person's themselves ...and unfortunately sometimes the pain they are personally in is just too much. Please allow yourself to grieve the loss and get that support you are going to get to work through all this yourself. This is not your fault but that does not diminish the pain and loss you are now feeling. Take care.

[Willy73]

Thank you so much Zoe7,

Your words and thoughts give me comfort and I’m shedding tears now in a good way. 

[TuxedoCat]

Heya @Willy73, thank you so much for sharing this post, and welcome to the forums ❤️ 

What's happened is so sad, and I send condolences to your family ❤️ 

It sounds like all of this has been incredibly distressing, with lots of different emotions? From reconnecting with family, discussing with your uncle and your eventual forgiveness of him to your uncle dying by suicide. Thank you for sharing this with us ❤️ 

Nobody should have to experience what you did, especially at a young age. It's really unfair. I know a lot of us who've had similar experiences blame ourselves for what happened. I think, regardless of the circumstance, it was so brave of you to reach out to your cousin. And even braver to face your uncle to reconcile. 

Like @Zoe7  said, your uncles death is not your fault. It is so tragic and is painful, especially as you had forgiven him. And I know many of us who've had similar experiences of child trauma blame ourselves or feel responsible for what happened and any consequences. And when someone we care for dies by suicide, we often find ourselves looking for an explanation. 

I know you'll find others with similar experiences here, and I hope you feel less alone in your feelings and experiences ❤️ 

TuxedoCat

PS. It's so awesome that you're seeing a therapist for the first time. That's a big step. I know for me, it has been so crucial in my journey

[Zoe7]

Happy to help @Willy73 I can add that I have been in that position several times ie. thinking about suicide and there was nothing or no-one that could have helped. We can never truly know what someone else is going through nor what demons they are battling ...and we as individuals can only do so much. I have also been on the other side grieving for someone I have lost through suicide and like you had so many questions with no answers. What got me through was understanding that sometimes there are no answers and it is never just one thing that is the cause. Like (and death) is complicated.

[AussieRecharger]

I second what everyone else says.. He made the choice and you probably were at the end of the line in the decision he made. 

Out of interest, what was it about your cousin that made you feel comfortable reaching out to them? You don't have to answer, but I am curious about what you were feeling before all these terrible events happened and what your intentions were when you reached out.  These intentions could be easily forgotten given the events that have happened but were still valid at that moment. 

[Willy73]

My whole life I’ve felt alone. I’m so glad I joined and posted. It’s funny how for years I was too scared to talk to a therapist for fear that they would think I was a horrible person, but now I don’t care, I just want to be healthy, I want to get through this. Just knowing I can talk to you all who have been through your own traumas is providing me with comfort.

[Willy73]

Hey Zoe7

Thank you for sharing, I’ve witnessed death as a part of life and accepted it as such when I was younger. But now the fleetingness and fragility of the one life we all have has really hit me hard. Even before my uncle died I had decided I didn’t want to be that bitter person who would bring up past hurts and I didn’t want to be that drunk mother. I just want to finally live before I eventually die as we all will one day. Strange things give me solace, like knowing we were all born from star dust and even if it takes billions of years we will be star dust again (watched too much Star Trek).

[Willy73]

Hi Aussie recharger

I’m not entirely sure why I contacted my cousin. I think I was sick of carrying this family secret, I wasn’t a scared little girl anymore, I was still carrying anger because what he did warped my view of men - I’ve never been comfortable with male attention and my weight issues I think are part of what happened. Also, I felt guilt that I never said anything as I think my uncle may have abused others and I could have prevented it. I think I wanted to expose him, I was just a angry, angry person.

[AussieRecharger]

You mention anger a few times there @Willy73, and from what you ae saying, you have a lot of internal blame going on.  Make sure whoever you talk to, you are happy to talk about this with them.  What ever happened to you, you need to be kind to yourself and not think about what if's. Accepting the choices you made and accepting what you did was best for you is going to be the biggest way past this anger.