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15-08-2020 05:56 PM
15-08-2020 05:56 PM
boyfriend struggling with anger outbursts and dissociation
my boyfriend struggles with these random episodes of anger. he often has anger outbursts and gets mad and snaps at me... but within a few minutes he'll come out of it and be extremely apologetic and feels guilty and usually ends up self loathing. he's hurt me with some of the things he's said before and he knows it and feels really bad but he says he can't control himself when it's happening.
recently, for the second time this year, he had a dissociation happen along with it and it lasted a few hours. i texted him early in the morning because i woke up and couldn’t sleep and he got mad at me and told me to go to sleep otherwise i'd be tired all day and would ruin it. i woke up again later and he was acting normal again but i could tell by his texts he was still off, and later on he asked me if something was wrong because i was acting weird and i told him i was hurt because of what he had said to me earlier. he snaps at me again, we had a small fight, then says "i'm sorry for hurting you or whatever, happy now? just cheer up for f*cks sake" and i left him on read until he started asking me to stop ignoring him. i tried to explain myself and he started getting really upset again and asked to be left alone for a while.
a bit later he texts me again and told him that he reread the conversation and can't remember typing any of that, and he only just snapped back into reality and was hyperventilating. he said he had tunnel vision when it was all happening and felt like he was not in his body; an out of body experience. he said he didn't even remember who i was when it was all happening too. he was extremely sorry and ended up crying to me and told me if i wanted to leave him i just should but i promised him i wouldn't .
i too struggle with depersonalization disorder and he knows that but i have never snapped at him like he has to me, and i never have anger issues so i feel like we have a different problem. he had a very abusive childhood, physically and emotionally, and still struggles with trauma and abuse every day. i really want to know how i can help him because i'm worried it'll start affecting our relationship; i'm already really hurt by a lot of it and he feels guilty all the time. don't tell me to leave him because i'm not going to. i want to know how i can help him, or if there's any type of dissociative disorder i can research into to see if it fits him. he can't see a therapist because he still lives with his abusive parents and won't be moving out for another year or so. i'm so worried about him, i really need help please.
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15-08-2020 06:20 PM
15-08-2020 06:20 PM
Re: boyfriend struggling with anger outbursts and dissociation
Hey @Tara3, welcome to the forums.
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds really difficult for both of you. I'm sure you'll be able to get a lot of support and care from the forum members, and know that the forums team is here to provide support as well.
I'm going to flick you an email just to check in as well
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18-08-2020 07:18 AM
18-08-2020 07:18 AM
Re: boyfriend struggling with anger outbursts and dissociation
Hi Tara3. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like your boyfriend is living in a (mentally) unsafe place right now. I'm wondering if these angry and dissociative experiences result from constantly feeling unsafe? I'm worried too that the longer he lives in this unsafe place, the stronger his brain's connection to and response of dissociation or anger will become.
I see that you say he can't access a counsellor right now. How about a GP, counsellor at school/uni/work, or an online support option?
I'm concerned that you seem to be copping the brunt of these angry outbursts.
What about a counsellor for you so you don't get worn down by these worries and his anger. I hope you have some good people around to support you at this time. Take care
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21-08-2020 11:16 AM
21-08-2020 11:16 AM
Re: boyfriend struggling with anger outbursts and dissociation
Hey @Tara3 keen to check in on how you're travelling since your last post?
It is sadly true that sometimes when we have abusive childhood experiences, we can mirror those coping mechanisms or hold the trauma in our body for a long time. As such, as adults, it can very easily happen that we use those same manipulative and emotionally abusive strategies.
I am sorry to hear you're having to navigate through this with your partner. Is he open to getting support and making changes to ensure you're not feeling this pain again? I'd really recommend reaching out to our counsellors for a confidential chat They are a really incredible bunch and have a lot of expertise in this area. You can book a call here. Let us know how you're going we're here to listen