Spinning spinning…

[Former-Member]

@Appleblossom you can't know what that means to me. Thank you so much for saying so 💜

[wellwellwellnez]

Talking about feeling like an imposter feels a bit like recovery guilt @petrichor   It's understandable but you don't need to carry that. Especially when we also experience guilt for not recovering.

A world where we all give each other what we need (and receive) is the world we should all be working towards, no matter where we are. Helping each other is organic. That's what I think about that.

[petrichor]

Hi @Appleblossom 

I have a beautiful ‘safe’ space in my head. I can see it and feel it and smell it. I’ve never shared much about my safe space because it’s mine and only mine, I’ve never even attempted painting it. It’s so fragile. It’s not a castle or a cave. I often don’t know how I end up there. But just thinking about it I want to go back and stay, I’ve tried that before but I can only stay if I die. It’s not paradise or something, it’s just my space. It’s where I go when I’m too much for myself, there are a lot of ghosts in my head and a constant battle between my parts and I just want out. When my friend died by suicide, shortly after my last attempt, for a long time I was glad that they finally had peace. I saw the devastation they left behind and I’m sad they’re gone and that they don’t have another chance and I’m grateful I have that chance but it’s a struggle. People say it’s a permanent solution for a temporary problem, I think for some of us it’s a permanent solution for a permanent problem. I know my thoughts and beliefs around suicide are in this culture (maybe in none, I don’t know) socially not acceptable and I won’t continue voicing more of them here. I just like my safe space and when the world seems unreal and I’m watching myself from the outside, I might just as well go home into my safe space. How do you come back from your safe space apple?

[petrichor]

@Former-Member 

How do you trust people who are nice to you? I don’t trust people and I don’t like getting close to people, not only because I don’t trust them but I don’t want to get hurt either.
I’ve had some strange reactions and personal insults when I tried to tell people I don’t want to be touched, ‘oh but if not a hug, maybe a high five? ‘No’ and then they touch me on my arm anyway. I don’t beat around the bush anymore when I don’t want to be touched and it upsets me a lot when I say a single ‘no’ and they do it anyway. I know they’re not perpetrators but I just don’t like having people in my space. And often people make fun of it, in front of me, behind my back… 

[Appleblossom]

@wellwellwellnez that is is a great thought that we are here to help each other ...

@petrichorIt sounds as if you know what I mean about a safe place.  For a long time I did not have anywhere safe, inside or out.  I had to get away from an abusive situation and settle for a few years before I could even come close.  With low self esteem it is often hard to claim the right to helpful or supportive things people or benefits of any kind.  I can read a bit between the lines about your attitudes to suicide, and having lost someone that way, and seen the mess it makes.  I am pretty much the same.  

I have found it tricky to work out, how and when to be vulnerable, and how and when to toughen up.  A few things are falling into place atm, that seem to be helping in that realm, but we will see ...

Are you living in your car, or a van?? I hope you find a place in your travels someday where something clicks for you, a person, a job, a house, a tree ...???  

[petrichor]

@Appleblossom 

A tree would be great, maybe a palm tree or one of those huge trees that give so much shade, the ones with the little plums that the fruit bats eat. 
I’m glad you found your safe space. I think I always had some kind of safe space in my head, I don’t think I would’ve survived as a child. I lose time & space. 

@wellwellwellnez 

Nice thoughts and it’s important that we’re nice to others. 

[Appleblossom]

Aha my brother showed me some trees with fruit bats in them.  A beautiful memory for me @petrichor 

Thank you.  Letting yourself have good dreamings or even experiences .. ..

[Former-Member]

@petrichor how do I trust people who are nice to me? With caution and time, but also whilst holding onto hope. I see that others have found kindness and connection with people and I've begun to appreciate that I deserve to feel that too. I think it also helped to realise that I had qualities people enjoy being around, and not always because I'm as flawed as the rest of them, but sometimes people find me funny and sometimes people find me supportive. I can't tell you how good it feels to have people recognise and enjoy those traits, Petrichor. It's given me hope that despite what others may have done or said to me in the past, that today I am a million miles from that and that I can work towards a future free from that abuse.

@petrichor I bet you have some pretty great qualities too that people would benefit from sharing. I'm a person, and I really enjoy chatting with you because you are open, you are genuine and you are without pretence. I think it's amazing that you have the bravery to travel alone and to experience new places. These are just some of the traits we see here in the forum and I bet there are many many more.

@Appleblossom hugs to you for sharing part of your story here. I was just saying to @NatureLover over in another thread that this community is full of bravery, resilience and courage. I think your ability to share your story in the way that you do is a thing of beauty, despite it being in the face of your pain 💚

[petrichor]

😞 I don’t know why I bother with this life.

[Former-Member]

@petrichor, are you doing okay today? Just want to make sure that you're safe 💙