@wellwellwellnez that is is a great thought that we are here to help each other ...

@petrichorIt sounds as if you know what I mean about a safe place.  For a long time I did not have anywhere safe, inside or out.  I had to get away from an abusive situation and settle for a few years before I could even come close.  With low self esteem it is often hard to claim the right to helpful or supportive things people or benefits of any kind.  I can read a bit between the lines about your attitudes to suicide, and having lost someone that way, and seen the mess it makes.  I am pretty much the same.  

I have found it tricky to work out, how and when to be vulnerable, and how and when to toughen up.  A few things are falling into place atm, that seem to be helping in that realm, but we will see ...

Are you living in your car, or a van?? I hope you find a place in your travels someday where something clicks for you, a person, a job, a house, a tree ...???