Lived Experience Forum

[gyp]

I am lost. I want to scream. I left my home some 8 weeks ago, the home i lived in isolation for 4 years which in hindsight left me mentally and physically sick. I went back for 8 days as i missed my dog and i thought i was the one that caused all the relationship problems (4 episodes of major depression in 4 yrs). I think now that both my partner and i were emotionally frozen, more so him. His way of showing love was to want sex everyday..is this normal? I dont know what normal is anymore. My head is all over the place and all i thi k of is how i can leave this life without hurting anyone but evrry corner i turn to says no that wont work. I am still staying with my son and gf. They both drink and i suspect she is alcoholic. I am sensitive to this as i am an adult child of a violent alcoholic (deceased). I cant go back to my home as i will be in isolation again and with a man who says he loves me but smokes pot everyday. I blame myself so severely and beat myself up for all the bad choices i have made. I have little money and finding it so difficult to start over again. I have no friends as this mental illness has pushed everyone away, no job and not likely to find one. I cry everyday, i have lost myself and feel numb. Yes i have sought medical assistance, gp, shrink, phsycologist and i have been to c/link which i have found to be a nightmare. I just dont know where to turn to. I have been diagnosed with Ptsd and major depression and dont feel i am ever going ti live again. Is this the depression lieing to me or am i emotionally out of control. I. would appreciate someone responding as i am getting desperate.

[Former-Member]

Hi @gyp

i'm glad you've posted again. sounds like things are so hard right now and confusing. I can't give you any advice, i'm feeling so low at the moment and not sure about so many things myself.. in similar ways. 

You are right though, ending things will cause pain to you son. And love isnt always enough when it comes to relationships... i loved my ex though he was abusive.. eventally i was just more scared than in love but i get the confusion. 

here listening,

lj

[gyp]

Thanhyou Lj for replyiing, i feel so alone in this world. I wonder everyday how i got to this point in my life, is this my own doing and if it was created by me how can i change it. I have an appt with the psychiatrist tomorrow and fretting about what to say to her. I get so confused in trying to articulate my feelings her. I have been on AD meds for 4 months now and i feel no different, no motivation, crying evrryday, numbness and i only shower about every 3 days. Is this common or is it all the stress of just living. with not being settled?

[BlueBay]

Hi @gyp

I'm sorry to read you're struggling so much at the moment.  Just a suggestion for when you see your psych tomorrow - write down on paper what it is you would like to say.  Even write it down in point form.  whatever comes into your head just write.  And when you go into your appt tomorrow just give the paper to your psych.  I have done this a few times when I have been struggling.

I hope this helps.  Good luck with your appt tomorrow.  

[gyp]

Thx Bluejay for your tip. I am doing that now. 😔

[Former-Member]

Hi @gyp,
I'm so sorry that you are feeling lost but it's totally understandable. You are in a very difficult situation. I'm wondering if you have had contact with a social worker. You can ask to talk to one through Centrelink. Also there is a program that gives you support of a mental health support worker called PHaMs. It might be helpful to look them up and see if the program exists in your area. The support worker can come to your house or you can meet them somewhere. They can go to your Centrelink appointments for support too. The other thing you could try is to ring the sane helpline when it opens again next week to ask if they can help you find specific services in your area to help you find your way and get back on your feet.
And yes depression has all sorts of weird effects. Not showering is a common one. I'm on day 3 myself....worst I got was 10 days😕

[gyp]

Hello Teej, Thankyou for your input. I have looked up Phams and they do not operate in this area. I had a social worker at C /link help me once. She said to me that anytime i needed her assistance just ring and leave message..well i rang 1 day in advance and it took 3 days for her to respond and because i did not understand the paper trail procedure i lodged incomplete paperwork at the urging of a c/link officer.. My claim was rejected. I have contacted another organisation and i am on a wait list up to 6 mths. I donot know what more i can do. Thx again Teej

[Happyness]

Hi @gyp

I know i cannot possibly understand your position

But i had a girlfriend and i loved her and her two children deeply

But then i got locked up in a forensic prison facility

And i even talked about getting married while still inside

But i was young and stupid

And it didn't work out

And for me regarding relationships

Nothing since we parted our ways in 2009

[Appleblossom]

Hi @gyp

Sorry that centrelink backfired.  Are you sure you cant fix it or send a letter ..

Your ex-asking for sex everyday .. when he is smoking dope every day .. is childish .. and draining of your physical and emotional needs .. and then he is just masking his own sensitivites by burying his feelings under the damn dope .. 

My ex husband was a chronic dope smoker for 20 years .. and had completely divorced sex .. from love, affection and respect .. however to me they were linked .. silly boys .. they could have had better relationships .. but after the damage of cynicism is done .. its much harder to fix things.

I would be upset by daily drinking in my house too .. 

Your best bet would be finding some small way to set up independently but not too far from .. kids .. do you have other children .. or just your son??

[gyp]

Hi Appleblossom, I have 2 sons in the same area. I cant set up here because the rent is beyond my income. I have no job and not likely to find one. My partner has been smoking dope for 45 yrs and i am affected by it. I am the same around drinkers, soon as their personality changes it takes me back to my childhood. My partner is not abusive but his memory is not good and i also find it very hard to have a good chat with him..the response is yes or no and nothing in between. I was living in a remote rural qld town and we lived outa town so i had no other to talk to except him. Now i dont know if i could go back even though my dog is still there including my personal posessions. So many things to face! Do you have a partner now Appleblossom? or do you live alone? I used to live alone 6 yrs ago and i was reasonably happy then i met my partner..silly me for thinking i was not complete until i had a man in my life. I had a visit with my psychiatrist today and she gave me new scrpt for old mood stabiliser and i have to have blood test each week. I am not bipolar but have MD and it is hard to lift. I am reluctant to take this drug as the side effects seem dangerous and i donotLocating a Personal Helpers and Mentors service | Department of Social Services .... Has anyone else had this happen to them?