My Mosaic

[Jynx]

@Bow definitely a tough situation hun, and alas I don't have an easy answer for you. 

I guess I would be thinking about like... have you had times with this psych where you did feel super safe, well-cared for, validated, and seen/heard/understood? If so, do you think it's possible/worth the effort to try to get back there? And if not, then yeah I'd definitely be considering whether this person is actually going to help me, or end up hindering me in my recovery. 

[Bow]

Urgh. I don’t even know how or if I can answer that @Jynx  you’ve heard me talk for a long time about just not gelling with my psych. 

argh. I don’t even know what to do. 

you know in last weeks appointment she mentioned ‘mismatch’ a number of times and I’d hear it and immediately think that she was referring to her and I and our therapeutic match was a mismatch. But that was never what she meant. I always felt dishearten.

sigh

nothing is ever easy. 

[Jynx]

Just to clarify your meaning @Bow - whenever she said 'mismatch' you were like, secretly hoping she meant the therapy relationship but you were disappointed every time it wasn't? 

Cos uhhhh... oof.

And you're right, we've talked about this a lot and I have no intention of opening those cans of worms ay. I just always wanna be thorough!! As easy as it would be to say 'oh yeah nah drop her' - I understand it's not that easy, and that it is a huge decision to drop/change supports. Especially when things are so rough!!

Ugh. It really is a pain, hey. Hugs for you hun 🫂

[Bow]

Yep that’s exactly what I meant @Jynx 😩 cause like if she was referring to our therapy relationship and she’s like… we’ll have a think about. But no. Not what she meant. 

But never an easy decision to make. And as much as it has been a hard relationship the whole time, it’ll be hard ending it and starting all over again. 

arghhhh 😩🥺😢 don’t even know how I’ll get myself there Thursday 

[Jynx]

@Bow aye starting over is always a pain. I've been tempted to make a slideshow in the past 😂 Like 'here's a presentation of all my trauma, with pictures' 🤣

Buuuut then I guess you gotta ask yourself - what option will help you maximise your recovery progress? Is the effort of starting over worth it if it means safety and momentum? 

Hmm is public transport a no go? Uber or taxi would be hella exxy too.... grrr 

I mean, at the end of the day tho if you can't get there, you can't get there. They can't forbid you from driving then get mad that you can't attend appts anymore!

[Bow]

If I could swap over to a particular psychologist @Jynx then yeah I think it would be worth it. But this particular psych is on a different team. So I don’t think it’s possible. 

and today… I just drove. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I was suppose to go get my bloods done this morning. Fasting ones. But that didn’t happen. I was then also suppose to go book in my mri/ brain ct, shoulder xray and ultrasound and pelvic ultrasound. But again that didn’t happen either. Just wasn’t feeling it. 

I dragged myself to arts and craft. Was feeling shit about it. Ya know how they wanted me to run it and all? And there was all the drama a couple of weeks ago about suppose to be running it and there be zero communication amongst them all and I didn’t run it. Well Monday my SW showed me the new weekly groups schedule that said ‘Bows art group’. She asked what I thought about it and I said well I don’t know. I don’t really like the name and I’m not gonna have ideas for every week. She said oh that will be fine, I don’t have to come up with ideas every week. I hesitated and said ok. But I still really didn’t like it. 

Today I had no plans or idea. I turn up and sit down. I was really not in a good place but I was there. This is exactly why I don’t want that responsibility. One SW who was there asked if there was anything I needed to run the group. I said no. He asked again a bit later. Then another SW came in and he said he was excited to see what I had planned for today and asked. I said no don’t have anything. Another new SW came in and had the same response. 

I was nearly at the point of needing to walk out. I was made to feel like an idiot cause I was apparently suppose to have an idea and I didn’t. 

My old SW was in the office and came in. She asked how I was and how I felt about the new schedule. Think cause I was on the verge of tears she sat down. I said honestly I don’t really like it. I don’t like the responsibility of having to have a plan for every week cause I don’t have anything today. We chatted for a bit and she totally understood and said that she thought this might be the case. I said I was happy to help where I can, happy to help with some planning and give ideas WHEN I had them. 

She changed the schedule straight away. And has booked in some time with me next week to sit down and do some planning together. 

Today we did some beading. 

My case manager is coming to visit later today. 

And then I have my dreaded psychology appointment tomorrow. 

[Jynx]

@Bow know what I would do? Become a nuisance. 

I'm not kidding, if they aren't meeting your needs they are not the right supports for you. If it were me they were shutting down when I asked to have my needs met, I would just keep on complaining. Increasingly louder and more intolerable. 

"Ugh I really don't think I can make progress with this psych"

"I'm going to ask you every day if there's anything else you can do until something else becomes available."

"I don't think this psych has helped me feel safe enough to process trauma. So this has become retraumatising."

You also gotta absolutely refuse to listen to them try to stop you from complaining. Oh it makes them uncomfortable? Good. If they won't bend the system to meet your needs (the system... MEANT TO MEET YOUR MENTAL HEALTH NEEDS) then they are perpetuating systemic trauma against you... in my opinion anyway (and you know how strong my opinions are haha - if any of this doesn't resonate, or if it's just not helpful pls disregard!)

Be disruptive and literally irritate them into finding you a new psych. I know it's not so fun to do that kind of thing.... but if we never do anything different, then nothing ever changes, ya know? 

___

Aww sooo glad they listening and didn't push you to come up with something!! Was the beading fun? 

Aye, the waiting zone is simply no fun at all ay 😪

[Bow]

@Jynx  I had my case manager here an hour ago. I really wasn’t sure how I was going to respond to her being here considering I currently feel very annoyed and angry with all of them. 

But we talked at length about my dissociation and how it has got significantly worse. She really seemed to want to know about it, unlike my psychologist last week. 
But then I told her I was really angry last week. She wanted to know more, so I proceeded to tell her what happened in my appointment last week; struggling to verbalize what happened the week before, trying to hand over written stuff but she said no, but then eventually read it, brief convo about dissociation, then rest of session about me withdrawing, but then telling her how angry I am that she won’t read my stuff, yadayada…. Hope you remember how it went. 

She asked how I felt about going tomorrow- I eventually told my CM that I no longer feel like it’s a safe space. Know what she said??? ‘No relationship is perfect’! 🤬😩

like what the actual heck????

she then encouraged me to continue this conversation tomorrow with my psych. All these things are important to talk about. 

am I like over reacting??? 

I think maybe I am just not worthy of proper support. Like I am too much, too hard, too much of a nuisance. 

[Jynx]

---

@Bow wrote:

She asked how I felt about going tomorrow- I eventually told my CM that I no longer feel like it’s a safe space. Know what she said??? ‘No relationship is perfect’! 🤬😩

like what the actual heck????

she then encouraged me to continue this conversation tomorrow with my psych. All these things are important to talk about. 

am I like over reacting??? 

I think maybe I am just not worthy of proper support. Like I am too much, too hard, too much of a nuisance. 

---

Yuck, no. 

That is absolutely NOT trauma-informed care. I am severely unimpressed by that. 

You ARE worthy of proper support. Everyone is. Do NOT blame yourself, shame yourself, or put yourself down due to the failings of the system. 

[Bow]

I just hurt @Jynx 

im so tired of fighting for what I need 

for what is right 

for what i apparently ‘deserve’

i feel so broken 

uncared for

rejected

unworthy

i do not matter