Lived Experience Forum

[Radiohead]

Hey everyone,

I'm feeling safe - feeling better actually having wrote this. I just needed to get these thoughts out.

I am no stranger to anxiety, mental health issues and have always been worried about what people think.My parents aren't monsters but they are very conservative and controlling. I received a lot of shame for making mistakes and asserting myself. I repeated a year of primary school and teachers commuicated to my parents that I lack confidence, which,  I of course, remember being told that to this day. My self esteem has always been low to say the least.

Work wise, things are stressful but rewarding. Although, when I am not at work, I notice that I get a low mood because I don't get constant praise at home that I am used to at work. My wife has noticed this as well, sometimes feels uneasy about weekends because of my low mood at home. Can you see the pattern yet?

After having an awful argument with my wife last night, where I went too far and embarrassed her in front of kids, (after she 'jokingly' embarrassed me) I went to bed convinced that she is reason for all my mental illness. I woke up Googling toxic relationships. Then I read somewhere that narcissists usually blame others before considering themselves to blame...

The resources discussing the false self and my constant feelings of guilt and shame and it's relationship to NPD are very difficult for me to read through. I broke down in front of my GP last year and said to him 'I'm sick of pretending' (to be this stoic,perfect dad who can do it all and still happily make dinner) I am not selfish at all, I am a genuine people pleaser. I don't have the strongest sense of purpose apart from being a father (you should hear the negative self talk right now in my head about about my qualities as a father...)

I am almost 40 and have realised that I don't really have any values or personality. Have I spent my whole life reflecting the desires of others and never asking myself what I really want?  My whole life I have reacted to my situations rather than see myself as a person with needs. When I finally have the capacity to identify one of my needs it's usually to just take a breath and recover from satisfying everyone else's needs!

Maybe I am selfish - on one hand even this self help journey is self indulgent - my wife thinks I am just being selfish. I have difficulty expressing this existential crisis that I am going through because then I am seen as weak. And the whole time, I am supposed to be focussing on looking after my kids (She is away looking after a member in her family who is severely ill. It's the worst possible time for me to feel vulnerable, when our dear family member is in actual trouble...)

I regularly use a CBT journal and it really helps. I will continue to use it. I do have a recent ADHD diagnosis which has helped me break into sobriety. I am grateful for that but at the same time I am feeling a lot of loneliness at the moment - as though I am getting cold reality thrown at me unfiltered. Feel free to tell me that I am merely expressing a thpical.midlife crisis! If there is anyone out there who can help with resources for NPD, specifically vulnerable narcissists that would be great. I am aware that my NPD is a self diagnosis- if there is anyone who would recommend where do I start with getting help, apart from seeing my GP for a referral, that would be awesome as well.

Thank you for reading thus far 🙂

PS: I am seeing a psychiatrist. About a month ago I spoke to them about my need for constant praise and I told them about one of my obsessions (number of Twitter followers ) and the psychiatrist said to me, 'Oh...that is normal...it's part of global problem with insta celebrity etc.' However, I remain convinced that it's odd to be constantly worried about what strangers think of me,  and constantly obsess about myself.

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Radiohead,

Welcome to the Forums. My name is FloatingFeather and I am one of the peer support workers at SANE. Thank you for reaching out and being so vulnerable in your post - I know it's not easy for people to always do this, especially when you are just starting out here.

I don't know much about NPD to be honest. I know in general terms what it is but not so much about it in depth. I do read from your post that you appear to have some very good insight into yourself and you are good at self-reflection. I did not really discover who I really was til my mid-40s. Maybe this is a common thing (self discovery later in life)? I, like you, spent a lot of my life living up to what I thought I was supposed to be instead of who I really am. 

Have you ever heard of existential counselling? You made reference to an `existential crisis' so I thought this may be of some interest to you.

Here is a link to some information around NPD that may be of help to you https://www.sane.org/information-and-resources/facts-and-guides/narcissistic-personality-disorder. I have also attached this link which will lead you to more discussions around this topic on the forums https://saneforums.org/t5/tag/narcissistic%20personality%20disorder/tg-p/category-id/lived-experienc....  

I do agree with your question around self esteem being linked to number of followers on social media etc. I really do believe if anyone has a really good sense of self that their sense of worth comes from themselves. I understand it's nice when someone likes a post or has more followers than the day before but the way a person feels about themselves should lay within them. Otherwise (in my humble opinion) you are handing over you power of who you are to other people.

On an aside, if you want to directly chat with someone on the Forums use the @ symbol and then start typing their name directly after it. A dropdown box should appear, and you then select their name. This ensures that they are notified of any posts you mention them in.

I wish you all the best and look forward to reading what other people think.

Best wishes,

FloatingFeather

[Zoe7]

Hi @Radiohead The first thing that struck me about your post is your own insight. From my experience, those with NPD do not often possess that trait and the need for praise may be more of a learned behaviour over a long time that you have developed to protect yourself. I also concur with @FloatingFeather - when we are truly happy within ourselves (or at least know ourselves well) then all that 'outside' stuff does not have the same importance. Maybe it is a 'midlife' turning point for you - a time in your life where you have become tired of being everything that others want/expect you to be and need to find who YOU really are. So many of us here have had to wear that mask for a variety of different reasons and whilst that often protects us from the world, it can also impinge our own happiness. I also believe that when we can learn to live with ourselves and be happy with who we are, then we find that loneliness also lessens. These are certainly things that you could unpack with a professional. Good luck in moving forward and welcome to the forum.

[wellwellwellnez]

I agree that we're all going through a lot the same internet effects. Thing is, we're all going through it differently.

What's working for me is a double-pronger.

Prong 1. Is taking deliberate off-screen, grass-touching, real-world-real-time adventures.

Prong 2. Leaning into the internet deliberately. I mean, the internet is going to influence our thoughts and behaviour one way or another. That being the case, the way it takes should be our way. So when one is online emphasizing the pro-social within the para-social. There's toxicity to manage/avoid but also nutrition to build/embrace.

[wellwellwellnez]

On the subject of values, I know a political streamer who talks a lot about "axioms" and "axiomatic values". The rough idea is, an axiom is the reasons why values appeal in the first place. Eg: Humanist values are often (but not always) based on the axiom of liking humans (or liking humans being humanists). Or, democracy values can be inspired by axiomatically liking co-operation or by axiomatically liking freedom.

So, if you're on a personal values inquisition journey, maybe getting a feel for your axioms, could be a thing.

[Radiohead]

Thank you so much for this reply and I appreciate the effort that went into it. 

Since reading your post a couple of days ago, I let your words about values and axioms sit with me. Today I read an article about the narcissist epidemic. There's a lot of misdiagnosis going around and so after the ruminating stopped I didn't stress so much about not having values or lacking empathy- I probably do have empathy but this another example of negative self talk and its starting to make sense.

I am happy to say that I feel better now - I let some feelings come and go and took some time to be with my thoughts. I noticed a recurring theme with me is feeling inhibited or frustrated. I investigated some the reasons why (fairly grim childhood, felt unable to feel sad or get angry). 

I did a CBT journal entry during this time, writing down ideas and listening to the negative self talk - my problem is my controlling behaviour is causing conflict in my relationships and I went through and identified the reasons for feeling that way. I found myself crying - it was a good little cry and I found myself finally getting away from all my ruminating and listened to my body. This was new to me. Eventually a noticed a nice feeling in my tummy and then I cried again. When I challenged my thoughts (as per CBT jounrnaling) the most positive inner voice came to the rescue for me, and I still get misty eyes thinking about this experience.

Whether I found some existential  value I don't know(like one might find a coin 😂) But I am in a different space for now. I'm prepared to experience the whole 2 steps forward, one step back now - recent news that our family member is not doing well has affected me, but at the same time, the need to be strong for your family is a good incentive to get better im order to support the people who matter.

I don't really know you but thank you so much for responding 😊

[Radiohead]

Thank you @FloatingFeather - I read your reply a few days ago and it made a considerable difference. 

I did a bit of self reflection today and feel much better after doing some journaling. 

Once again, thank you! 

[Radiohead]

@Zoe7 Thank you for the reply! Reading it made a difference. I had a very good experience today journaling and think I am on the right path. 2 steps forward 1 step back. I appreciate the support 😊

[Zoe7]

Great to hear @Radiohead