Is meaningful change possible

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Former-Member 

A "touchstone" is using and object to offload a whole hep of feelings that you are struggling to carry forward, and that might be keeping you stuck from making meaningful change ..... you are clearly still grieving your loss of Possum, but probably moreso, she / he has become a touchstone for the events that caused that to happen .... something you feel was a wrong move in life ....

If you can find a meaningful way to honour Possum, it might help to clear your grief and heart-ache somewhat, so that you are more able to consider change and ways to move forward ....

I have at times gone through a process of this in my life .... considering different things I own .... who or where they came from, and passing on things that had become touchstones for upset and grief.  There is something cathartic about doing that, something about taking back the person you are from a circumstance that left you feeling abused or humiliated ....

To me, that is something that meaningful change is about .....

💗💕

[Former-Member]

Hi @Faith-and-Hope

Just read your post now. I did not realise what you have been going through, very similar in ways to what I myself have. Hugs

I may have to do what you did - seek out a psychologist to offload and validate. To top off things it now look like my husband will have to have a cardiac stent put in. Long story, but last time he nearly died from this procedure as there were complications. So my stress levels is now an all time high.

May I ask exactly what your husband struggles with? To be honest I feel in my very depths just how lucky he is to have you. I so appreciate your posts and advice. 💕🌹

[Former-Member]

Don't worry had a few from "Blacky black","Tic Toc"etc .One of the biggest laughs I had was a cat called "Jemima",but we called her "Mother", because she always had fat kittens through hunting rabbits.!My mother took her to be put to sleep when I was at work due to old age.A sad time,but tfhe humour was when I got a sympathy card from the vets "sorry about the loss of Mother...".Appleblossum the ginger cat is actually,a girl one that was meowing in the bush on my walking track in 2005...Followed me home ,walked in the gate and made herself at home.Faith and Hope,can't stand being reminded of her,too tormented through the suicidal change at her cost.So much guilt.Have not had a good day,one where I wish I was ****,feeling hopeless,and realising I am a failure.

[Appleblossom]

Well I'll be blowed.  I'll check it all out later .. My B&W cat called Mo just jumped on my lap.

Did you see @NikNik's new cat thread @Former-Member

I hope @Dothemo is ok with the meandering on this thread??

[Former-Member]

Yes I have seen NikNiks thread,yeh I think there is something about ginger Tabby's being more male.I had a long haired one several years ago.I used to sleep with him,when he died I was so depressed,like I lost my husband,never let one on my bed again.

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Former-Member .... my husband has an undiagnosed eating disorder .... it appeared to have grown out of a meaningful life change, because he had BED eating disorder before that .... but it was excused as the result of being a workaholic and too sedentary a lifestyle .... learning about eating disorders has given a much broader picture ..... 

The "life change" was substantial, in that he lost half his body weight and us now in the low end of normal for his height and age - one of the features masking the eating disordered mindset.   Health issues he had had owing to the extreme overweight evaporated along with the weight-loss .... blood pressure, cholesterol, digestive issues .... so he appears to be the poster-boy for successful change .... and he is owning it as that ....

Unfortunately, the eating disordered mindset has just skipped onto different rails ....

Rather than going into more detail about that here, I have posted descriptions of the different tracks it has split into on the main LE page under the "What's new:  services, research, technologies" discussion topic.

So ... this new version is masquerading as not only socially acceptable, but as an ideal .... and we as his family can't do anything about it that is not going to be hazardous to our own ongoing welfare, although we have had to consider our own welfare above and beyond what is happening for him in  order to make choices that protect us as much as possible from the effects of this illness.

Looking for a bright side .... he has learned so much about the basics of good nutrition and exercise that he didn't have a good understanding of before .... and the daily regimen he has set is an extreme of what it needs to be pulled back to to become healthy and balanced - there's that meaningful change part that @NikNik just referred to .... so when he comes into an understanding that he is unwell in this zone and accepts help to correct the eating disordered mindset, he may in fact have done a lot of the work towards his recovery in reverse ....

Its all pretty surreal at times .... thank God for the forums .... I don't know where else I could open up to this extent .... you see, without a diagnosis in place, in our state at least, there are few resources available to us as his family.  The control issues and mood swings associated with the eating disordered mindset means he is actually tracking our movements, in management of our finances, and would be highly reactive to us seeking counsel for something he wants honoured ....

We either have to try to walk him home, or walk away .... which none of us is prepared to do unless we really have to, but we've got a tiger by the tail here.

Is meaningful change possible ?  Absolutely .... in my mind ... but there are processes to go through that often involve a lot of struggle.  Learning about the Stages of Change model has allowed us to see where this thing is headed, and what is required to turn it around.  The first stage involves denial and hostility .... "Tick" .... but when we reach the second stage, he will begin to become involved in the change .... and it will be the meaningful change it ought to have been between BED and "this".

Will find a diagram of the Stages of Change model and post it for you .... anyone reading this might like to consider their own circumstances in relation to it ..... we have found it an invaluable resource .... scaffolding to support us through this ....

🌷💜

[Faith-and-Hope]

Stages of Change model ..... 

This link explains it in more depth - 

https://www.eatingdisorders.org.au/getting-help/for-family-friends-and-carers/stages-of-an-eating-di...

Although it is presented as specific to eating disorders here, this model is widely used to support life changes for a number of reasons.

[Lisbeth]

Hi @Dothemo

I'm new at this site so forgive me for my mistakes. I feel we are constantly evolving and changing as we grow and learn about our MI.

I think we are far more emotionally developed than others who don't share our illness. We have a compassion for others that only comes with experience in suffering.

We have an ability to empathize with others in a genuine manner that many others will never be able to.

We have a wisdom that only comes from living and surviving with our illness.

We have surpassed expectations of ourselves and others including any medical experts.

We are the experts in our own health and lives. We live with it every day.

There's enormous relief and power in our knowledge of each other and one another's suffering.

We have so much to give and look forward to. We need to stop limiting ourselves and realize we are more than conquerors.

We have over come so much more than others. I know whose company i prefer ♡

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Former-Member ..... you're not a failure. Things might not have turned out the way you anticipated, but that doesn't make you a failure. It just means things didn't turn out the way you anticipated .....

When I look at my own situation, I could get down on myself for things I didn't notice, or giving away too much of my own power in the relationships I was in, or putting my personal interests into the back burner to serve other people's expectations .... mostly I have been flooded by extenuating circumstances and swimming hard to try to keep everything afloat ....

Sometimes I went against my better judgement. Maybe that's what you're feeling .... the "should haves" and "what if's" .... please, please be gentle on yourself.

If it feels too hard in this moment to get up and try again, then just tread water where you are and rest .... restore ....

You have already started walking again. You have bought hanging baskets of fuschias ..... let these baby steps take you forward at a leisurely pace and see what else comes ? You can grow a new life.

🌷💕

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Former-Member

The short answer would have been "he has an eating disorder ..." lol .... instead I landed you with an essay, and then some.

I can understand your anxiety about your husbannd's operation, and it's no wonder, between the dramas of your daughter's situation and this, that you are experiencing chest pain. I have at times when everything has seemed to be flying out of order at the same time ....

I hope you find the Stages of Change model encouraging in terms of your daughter's recovery path. I have been warned that with e.d.'s that first stage of change is the longest and hardest, lasting seven years on average. That is how long it has been .... although I didn't even realise .... it took a girlfriend to point out significant occasions and where my hubby was up to at that point for me to realise, but that told me something else too .... we have covered a greater distance than we realised. That's the power of baby steps towards change or recovery ... getting on with getting on .... when you look back you realise how far you have come.

Wishing you strength and perseverance ....

🌷💜