Is meaningful change possible

[Former-Member]

Hi @Appleblossom

I just read your post now. Had to retire early as chest pains were gripping. Feel better now but I will have to get this checked out if they continue. I do feel the pain is stress related (the trigger). But could be indicative of angina or worse. That can't happen.

We have tried everything with her, including anger management. You are spot on with this - she has major problems here that nearly resulted in tragic outcomes in the past. Although I feel for her pain she does need to help herself. I don't think she will do this while here as she tends to give into her pain (it's too easy for her). I made it too easy, am partly to blame, thinking I was helping. I think I just enabled. I will let some things slide because she is genuinely troubled and in distress - but I can't let it all as she won't learn to stand on her own two feet and will hit rock bottom. 

So I have been relentlessly been trying for years and we just seem to keep going back to the same problems as she won't try. And it is now taking its toll on our health. Yes, most of the time we have been punching bags - that is very true. And I am physically and mentally drained.

I woke up this morning to the Sound of the surf and rain - with mist over the mountains in the background. And everything was quiet. I took this opportunity to rest in the moment and am feeling replenished for it. Nature is the best isn't it. Feeling stronger (with daughter asleep) I found the mojo to seek out other commercial premises for our charity. I found a shop for lease I thought suitable and put my husband onto it; to make a long story short he rang them and it looks like we may have struck up a deal for a new premise. Now it's convincing other board members who seem to think it's all too much....but I think we can keep this charity going now. So that's good news. I don't know where I find those reserves sometimes...But you are right, I have to keep ties up with my pursuits outside the home. I need purpose and do care...Thank you.

I love the way you enjoy time with your son - these moments are what incorporates true happiness I believe, what makes it worthwhile. I know you have struggled and this is such a positive outcome which is so wonderful. I love how people's lives come together through not giving up. I intended to do the same but can't pretend it won't incorporate heartbreak which I try and avoid. Too much grief in my life my friend but I will push forward. Thankyou for being there ❤️🌹xx

[Appleblossom]

Thanks @Former-Member

I thought it was as bad as that.

Great you are proactive in charity.

Heard today they were clearing out Flinders Station homeless people.

I did not get over triggered as alternatives are being provided for them.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Faith-and-Hope - it is looking like her moving out is the only answer now. And the way our GP is handling it she won't feel thrown out and we would be there for her when she needed us. But, the public housing list is long.....I have been advised not to help her financially (purchase a modest unit etc) as it would not make her stand on her own two feet and feed the mental instability. It's a very tough situation.

And the chest pains are concerning me. Seem to come on when pressured.

She has sought counselling in the past, but like with us she won't open up. She pushes people away. She needs intensive therapy to for borderline personality disorder which is part of her MI (and bi-polar). I don't think she will move forward until she try's again to give up alcohol and self medicating. She just numbs the pain and her mood swings and irrational behaviour becomes worse. A real catch 22 situation. She has to decide to make change wanting better by being better. Or nothing will change. Usually this takes hitting rock bottom. It is soul destroying to watch.

How is your travels going? Are you over your flu now feeling better? Thanks for your support my friend, it really does help 💕🌹

[Faith-and-Hope]

Great news about the charity possibilities for continuation @Former-Member.  

Lot is a difficult balance to trade between compassion, support and maintaining responsibilities.  I have that struggle ongoing with my youngest two now, knowing that what their father is going through has impacted their last seven years and their self-esteem during a critical developmental period .... I can only push them so much and have to pull back a bit on what I would have been doing otherwise.  It becomes about choosing your battles.  You can't let everything go, no matter what the background strains and issues are, or they don't learn any sense of responsibility, and that leaves them feeling even more damaged and lost.

Maintaining standards and boundaries is scaffolding.  The practicality of having to get up and on with everyday routines and responsibilities is distracting and purposeful.  @Appleblossom is very familiar with that, which is what she has instilled so diligently in her son.

My kids have an oppositional defiant streak.  If you try to force issues you end up locked into power struggles constantly .... no win situation for everybody .... so my way was to empower them with the responsibility for creating their own solutions from a young age .... "okay, if you're not agreeable to doing it the way you have been asked, show me your way, but the job still has to be done !"  It's a deal making approach ...

Maybe you could try this with your daughter @Former-Member

"I am happy to wash and iron your uniform for you.  Do you think you could see your way clear to placing used dishes on the sink ?"

Even if she doesn't comply, you have kept placing the standard before her, so the teaching is there, even if the practice is absent.  It seems to me a lot like learning a language without practicing it .... the key teaching is going in, and when they actually have to drive it themselves at a later date, there is a lot of information available to recall and try to work out how to apply in practice.

[Faith-and-Hope]

I know that pain @Former-Member .... having to watch a slow slide I towards rock bottom with my WH .... I have been told for the last seven years that what he is doing is unsustainable but ..... dammit .... so far he has managed to keep sustaining it .... I really have to stay switched off to the possible crisis scenarios, and then at other times I start questioning whether it really is all that bad ... ?? ... until we get an episode of some sort, or strange looks from strangers, or some other reality check that lets me know it really is "way out there" ..... I just keep praying that we all have a soft landing, and that we don't run out of elastic before then.

I went through a period last year of chest pains, then panic attacks in the form of shortness of breath, blood pressure hike, etc ... called myself an ambulance at one stage .... until I understood what was happening and decided I wasn't going down that path .... that's when I went to see a psychologist myself  to offload the issue to someone so I could hear that I was right about it being an e.d. (of course it's still not diagnosed, but it's clearly fitting the bill regardless), right about it being complex, right about there being due cause for my concerns, right about the affects on the family being abusive, right in disengaging emotionally .... I needed the validation and feedback that I couldn't find via the GP.  

It had the dual effect of settling WH down .... waiting to see whether he had been sprung .... and when nobody tapped him on the shoulder he became cocky again, able to say that I had mi issues and am under a psychologist .... grrrr ..... that's on borrowed time !   I think it still makes him nervous that I go periodically though, and he would know that it's about him ....

My point is that it is worth seeing someone yourself to help with the chest pains from that pastoral care perspective, once medical reasons have been checked.  

[Appleblossom]

I'll reiterate @Faith-and-Hope's statement. Worth seeing someone about those chest pains.  You have had enough stress but get it checked to rule out cardiac disease... due diligence and to be proactive and prevent health anxiety.

Glad GP is helping.

My mother had many tests over about 5 years ... walking and stress on the heart tests etc ... she was told her heart was strong as an ox .. and she would never die of heart attack like her mother.  I figured she felt the strain & pain .. it was after my brother's death, but we were all used to it, but contnued stress does have physiological response.

[Former-Member]

It makes it frustrating at times,possum was the name of the cat actually I gave away when I moved due to "suicide change" I used to be out calling her name...Lucky we were out of town lol

[Faith-and-Hope]

I can think of worse cat names to be yelling out your back door at night @Former-Member .... lol ....

Have you got something special as a touchstone to comfort you about losing Possum ?   Maybe find something the same colour and keep it near you .....

[Appleblossom]

and you still remind me of my first beloved ginger boy  .. Jai ..

and it was also a practical lesson in basic genetics ..re the girls are tortoise shell and the boys never got that bit of the chromosome so they are left with ginger and white. 

@Former-Member

[NikNik]

Hi @Appleblossom @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

Your cat discussions inspired me to start this thread 

I can't believe we didn't have a dedicated cat zone before this!

Feel free to share your cat names and pics over there - so we can have one big space of cuteness.

@Dothemo - thanks for asking this important questions about meaningful change. I think the key word for me in this is "meaningful". Sometimes we can try (and perhaps successfully) change something because we think it's what we should do or what people expect.

I think it's great to get clear on what would be 'meaningful' to us before considering any changes.