Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

I self-harmed the other night.

I told someone at work, someone I trust. I didn't tell my manager and my supervisor, I just told them that I was generally sick and spaced out.

My co-worker offered to call 000, and I would have liked that but I declined, because I didn't want the Police involved.

I left work and drove straight to hospital. 

The people at the hospital were really nice about it. They highlighted how reckless it was, but they offered their support, and said that I did the right thing by seeking help.

After they took my blood and did an ECG, they had me see a psychiatrist.

I had a very interesting discussion with him. At the end he said "I am going to need to speak to your family, and then I'll speak to my boss, and he'll decide what's going to happen."

I said "umm... my family can't know about it." I told them I had just collapsed.

He said "well, how are we going to guarantee your safety? You live with your family, so they can look over you."

I said "I can work with my doctor. I am good at identifying how to cope, I just need to know that it's worth coping. And besides, it wasn't my intention to commit suicide, so my life is not in danger."

He said "well, you've convinced me, but I'm nervous, because my boss might feel differently."

In the end, he didn't admit me. He came back after a NERVE-WRACKINGLY long time, and said he'll let me go, but the Acute Care Team will follow up with me.

They haven't called today, so I hope they haven't gotten the wrong number, or tried to call me and my phone hasn't gone off for whatever reason. 

TEN HOURS after I did my blood tests, they gave me the results. I did have some problems, but not as bad as they thought. They were genuinely concerned, but to their surprise, they could discharge me.

My family was sending me constant messages, asking me what was taking so long, to the point where I told them to stop and turned off my phone. 

They said that I should have seen a GP, and if they want to send me to hospital, then cool. I agree that it COULD have happened that way, but my Mum would have gotten annoyed with me if I came home early, thinking I'm being dramatic.

My Dad was very angry with me, because he was worried about the COVID-19 risk. He wore a mask in the living room, with only my sister around. He had to be deceived into getting a test when he was sick; he didn't want to, but NOW he's a concerned citizen :face_with_rolling_eyes:.

Today, my mood has been OK. 

A bit earlier, I was reminded of self-harm while I was doing something else, and I hesitated for a second. 

While I was in hospital, I regretted what I did. I said "if I was strong for just a tiny bit longer, I would be having scrambled eggs or lying in bed right now". The nurse said "I get it... but you've been strong for a long time already."

I still remember, of course, just how much pain I was in before last night. It has been overwhelming.

I have a telephone appointment with my GP tomorrow. I'm also (hopefully) speaking to the ACT. Those two will definitely help.

I'll probably commit to making another appointment with my intake counselor or my University counselor again. They'll help.

I'm honestly a tad scared, though. Life was EXHAUSTING. I snapped last night. It feels inevitable that it will hurt again, and I don't know if I can handle that for so long again.

I'm OK, and I'm glad to be OK, but it's just really hard.

Thanks @BPDSurvivor for your support and for commenting.

This was taken down earlier because I had to make some minor adjustments to it, but this iteration should be OK.

[BPDSurvivor]

Thank you @Former-Member for sharing. It's not easy.

Reminds me of my past ED visits....not pleasant. 

I hope you hear from the ACT soon.

Take care,

BPDSurvivor

[BPDSurvivor]

Hugs @Former-Member 

It's not an easy road. I now look back and see these as learning opportunities. It reminds me that I'm human. That I have insecurities. That I, too, sometimes make unhelpful choices. That I, too, have to live with the scars of those choices. 

But one thing I don't do (now), is live in the past. I use my past to learn and move on so I can live in the NOW. If I am present in the NOW, I can then be in control of the choices that affect the now.

I acknowledge your pain @Former-Member , but I also acknowledge your strength and your honesty.

Thank you @Former-Member 

[AussieRecharger]

@Former-Member 

Thanks for coming back and letting us know.

That 12th round is always tough.