Just checking in.

[CheerBear]

Oh @Teej 🙁 For you I wish you'd trust yourself more. I am not even sure what post you're talking about. You make me giggle Teej, in the way that mg friends do and you get it. I can't think of anything I'd take badly from you.

Mega huge hugs to you. I wa looking for an umbrella to bring to your emotional storm this morning but got distracted. In my head it was a huge rainbow one for the darkness ❤

[Teej]

Thanks 🙏  @CheerBear. 

Am going to try and pull myself together to go and do some things. Am sooooo tired from the combo but still numbish which is nice. 

Ciao for now 💜🤗

[CheerBear]

I need to vent. I thought something wasn't right and went to the doctor today after being told to do so from a nursing line. It seems I fall into the unlucky small number of people who have a "failed" medical procedure. I was given the option today of either surgery or trying again so tonight I have to repeat the medication I took a couple of nights ago. I'm sad and anxious. I feel awful thinking about what failed actually means with this. I feel full of dread at the idea of going through the same kind of intense and horrible experience as I did the other night. I dont know how I'm going to bring myself to do this again.

I then (foolishly) spoke to the other person involved hoping to resolve our hiccup from the other night. It didn't work out well and again I was on the receiving end of his big feelings which included stuff like me being selfish and taking his opportunities. It ended with a message from him thanking me for telling him I was pregnant only to do what I did in the end. I'm really hurting right now and trying so hard to keep guilt away as I know it isn't helpful for me, but it's very big. My head is spinning.

It feels all a bit too much. I want to say that I can't do this anymore but I know I will, I just wish things would hurry up and get better. I'm so tired 😔

[Zoe7]

That is all incredibly difficult for you @CheerBear and definitely not needed at all. You can do this though Hon - you are the epitome of strength and courage on here and we all know you will get through this. That does not make it any easier and must feel like your world is imploding again - all very, very tough feelings to sit with. We are here with you CB - still holding your hand, sitting under the lemon tree and wiping away your tears if needed. 💐🌺🌸🌷💜💙💚🧡💛

[outlander]

@CheerBear ❣❣

[Teej]

@CheerBear I’m so sorry this happened. I am imagining all the places you’re thoughts would be travelling in. Im so sorry friend is lashing out. I think his thoughts and feelings are valid for him but totally unhelpful for you. It’s truly a case of putting your needs first and ultimately it is about your needs. 

Youve got this! Nothing has changed except for a medical glitch. I’m so sorry it’s happened knowing that you have to suffer so much pain and discomfort twice. In a few months time hopefully youll be able to look back and the latest hiccup will be a blip on the radar. In a few months time either friend will be around because he has managed things better or he won’t from a choice you have made. I know future thinking sucks but I wanted you to see the future where the really hard times of now won’t feel so big and overwhelming. 

Lastly i I hope that you get through the next bit ok both physically and mentally. You have all of your Cheerbear cheer squad by your side holding your hand and with you in spirit for the next few days/weeks and maybe years. Sending strength and hugs. 

Some strength. You can grow and continue to bloom from this really hard rocky place.

[CheerBear]

Thank for listening and for your support Zoe and Outlander. I'm sitting under that tree having a moment. Imploding is what this feels like, and a battle not to explode too. A big part of me wants to call him and go full volcano but I know that wouldn't help anyone or anything. The crap he said doesn't matter and shouldn't matter and that's what annoys me so much because it feels like it does. I feel like I've made a very wise decision with this, though it sucks and it feels pretty awful.

I think I'm really angry, probably more at myself than anyone, but I'm angry at him too for playing part in this and in a way kind of getting out of it all. The things that fall on us to deal with and take responsibility for 😞 This is hard enough without needing to try and factor in his needs too.

Now I am really hoping my crew have an easy, early night so I can do this. I need to get myself into the right headspace for it which I am far from being in right now.

[CheerBear]

I missed your post while I was venting Teej. Thank you for reminding me it will pass (in a kind way). I will, it always does. I know this. Racing angry head just has to catch up to that.

[Zoe7]

It is us as women that need to deal with all the fallout both emotionally and physically @CheerBear He does not understand the emotions you are going through with all of this - and to be honest probably never will. When it comes down to it it is your choice and that is not one you have taken lightly. If he cannot support you through this then that is another reason for you to have made the decision you have - he doesn't seem like the kind of empathetic or supportive person that you need in this situation and therefore in the longer term would not be either. 

I hope you can get the LF sorted for tonight and we will be here to support you through this - it totally sucks that you have to do this all again but I hope knowing we are here for you helps just a little. With you Hon 

[CheerBear]

It helps heaps Zoe7, thank you ❤

His stuff right now, it feels like noise and I dont need it. I would have loved this one with everything I have, worked hard for the rest of forever to give them what they needed, and been a great mum to them. And my life would have been much more difficult for it especially if it turned out I would have to be doing it with another wrong for me person. He's lovely (most of the time) and fun, but he isn't someone I want to have a child with.

I'm going to organise stuff for the morning, then have a shower and find my most comfy pjs, capture a fluffy cat to sit with, and do this.

Thanks for helping me let off some steam.