Lived Experience Forum

[Blitter2016]

Since I was a kid I knew something was wrong. I've always wanted friends and yet never been able to hang onto them. Primary school, high school, my first two jobs, I never fitted in, couldn't quite relate, was always that little bit different. Being a red head a lot of my symptoms as far as being moody and emotional were put down to my hair color, masking what really lay underneath I believe.

I never wanted to be single. Right from an early age I had a picture of what I wanted for my life. A wife and normalicy, I had never been able to make it really happen and I thought settling down in my early 20's and getting married to whom I thought was my life partner would fulfill my dreams to have that 'one person' in my life. I only ever wanted one person, never able to really cope with being social. Long story short that marriage lasted 9 years and two children before an affair ended that.

I stayed single for two years and my bipolar put me in and out of hospital and psych wards. I lost everything except a few things from our business and a car and $500 caravan. But I mourned that marriage more than I have ever mourned anything in my life. And yet I could not wait to be married again. A huge part of me was missing, and who I thought was my best friend turned out to be then and even now my worst enemy.

I got married again and had another child. For 7 years one of my children from my previous marriage lived with us. We worked well together, and helped and supported each other, me with a mental illness and her with a physical incurable illness. That marriage would have been 14 years next month. I seperated, or rather left under a police escort 2 months ago. I have always been med complaint. Never voilent towards another human or animal. Been in therapy for the last four years. Manage to hold down to very small part time jobs. I did have another breakdown three years ago which caused me to loose my business again and after trying to get better and not being able to deal with any sort of stress, we closed it down when we seperated. It had been running successfully for 13 years. Again, I lost house and child, leaving with tools car and caravan. The affair is unclear, however the same drawing apart happened, with just too much hard work and life more fun and easier without you being quoted as the main reasons for wanting me gone. At the moment it is amicable, although I am extremely bitter.

The reason for this post is not for a woe me or to ask for pity or sympathy. What it is for is to ask if and how others with bipolar who have been hurt or decided that they would not inflict their bipolar ups and downs on a marriage mate cope? How and has anyone found contentment being single after marriage and if so how? What fills the void left of having someone in your life, especially when you are a person who is  the epitome of 'leave me alone but don't go'...........

[utopia]

Hi @bitter2016. I don't have Bipolar. But I have been married and divorced twice - with one child. I've now been single for almost 10 years.
Sometimes it was hard. It was wanting to walk through the door and have someone greet you. An adult to talk with. And someone to snuggle up to - especially in winter.
But as much as I felt that - I also knew I wasn't right mentally and emotionally for a new relationship.
I have a few friends. One that I catch up with often. She understands my MI & accepts that sometimes I just can't visit.
I think having a teenager - makes me get out and talk to people - school pick ups and sports. It's helped me to treat myself to rewards often. A soak in the bath, a walk in the park, sitting in the sun. Doing things that I enjoy or that relax me.
I haven't given up on love. I'm working on getting to know me a bit better first. But who knows - never say never

[pip]

Hi @bitter2016. Like utopia, I am not bipolar. However, the rest of your story is similar to nearly everyone who posts here. I was married 3 times (you'd think I'd get it 'right'). However 3rd time worse than first 2 times. Two kids (both married with children) now a YOUNG g'mother. I now have a bf, but no thoughts of re-marriage, probably never will again. My kids from 1st disastrous marriage, 1st hubby was gay. I knew nothing about gays. 2nd hubby divorced from 1st wife, why, I don't know. I actually looked on 2nd hubby's wife almost as MIL, she treated me very well for an ex-wife. She had ended the marriage, but he did return to her after we split. 3rd hubby, mama's boy to put it bluntly. MIL & FIL treated me like I was dirt. 3rd hubby stood back and let them. I made wrong choices, my fault entirely. I've been away from him nearly a year and it's the right thing for me. I would rather be by myself than with anyone. I adore my bf, he adores me, but our agreement is 'no living together'. He's been a bachelor for years and we both know if we lived together, that would be the end. Sometimes living alone means getting introduced to ourselves. I'm far from lonely because I'm happier. Bipolar would be extremely hard to live with, for the person with the illness and his/her partner. If your partner is fully aware of bipolar and moods that go with the illness, I suppose it would make it easier to live with. My ex BIL is bipolar, he and my ex SIL have been married nearly 40 years. He, like you experiences severe mood swings, she helps him by making his appointments and generally emotionally supporting him. She has found, though, the best way to cope is to let him do what makes him feel better. If he wants to stay in bed, so be it. She makes no demands and 'shields' him when necessary. She is stronger than her brother (my ex). When the in-laws started 'razzing' BIL over the bipolar i.e: 'snap out of it, get over it' etc, my SIL simply ignored them and never spoke to them about his mood swings. My ex couldn't shield me as he wasn't strong enough emotionally. If your chosen partner is strong enough emotionally, and totally understands the mood swings that accompany bipolar, you will always have her to shield you. If you have no partner to shield you through the bad times, recognize when you are feeling particularly low, let nearest and dearest know you're not 'yourself' and if they really understand you, you will get the emotional support. Understanding bipolar means understanding depression when it's at it's most severe. The bitterness you're experiencing is not helping coping with the depression that rears it's head with bipolar. Are you seeing a therapist/counsellor/Dr for help?

[Blitter2016]

Ugh....what happened to my reply? Well, I won't be getting that 20 minutes back.....phooey. Yes I am see in pdoc and pnurse. Because of the bipolar I do not relate to others all that well either, which makes divorce forums difficult as I am feeling things others are not.

I've been sitting here watching Greys Anatomy in a bid to destract me from the lousy weather outside. This dialog came up and it spoke volumes. I have to work out how to implement it given social phobias and anxiety. But its true"We're all going to die. We don't get to decide how or when. But we do decide how we're going to live. So do it. Decide. Is this the life you want to live, is this the person you want to love?

Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger, kinder, more compassionate. Decide. Breathe in. Breathe out. And decide."

Greys Anatomy S10E01

[pip]

Hey @Blitter2016. If my reply wasn't what you wanted, I'm sorry. While it's true we are all going to eventually pass. Living for today, and any tomorrows are important. Remember Grey's Anatomy is a t.v show with actors who are given dialogues to repeat. The actors are chosen to 'act' as if they have bipolar/depression etc. Some of them have some degree of knowledge regarding the illness. But everyone has different degrees of every illness portrayed. It's okay to watch these programmes, but remember, they're not real, they're acting. You are real, you have bipolar, that's real. You can be what you want, it might take you longer, but if you really want o stay where you are, that is your choice. If you want help, you need to reach out for it. Your Dr would be your first port of call. Ask for a referral to someone who deal with bipolar so you know that whoever is helping you has the knowledge. None of us feel the same as others. I don't have bipolar, but I do have other problems, no-one else suffers my problems because they can't. They're not me. Before I die I intend to LIVE. I hope you do too.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Blitter2016

Sounds like that episode of Grey's Anatomy was just the medicine you needed! It's a good reminder that we do all have choices no matter what circumstances we find ourselves in. If we can learn to know ourselves better: the light and the dark sides, and choose to be compassionate to self, how others perceive us becomes less relevant. 

Some people don't fit in well with their social circles, aren't easily understood. That doesn't mean they are any less valuable that anyone else. Everyone has something to contribute, and by working on our strengths we can find a happier and more purposeful existance in spite of mental illness.

Keep moving forward 🙂

Frog

[Blitter2016]

Hi Pip, your comments were very much appreciated, trust me, when you can't believe what you are feeling or seeing, you need feedback and help from others to see the light. I'm sorry if I came across as unappreciative. Bipolar....look it up. Somewhere it will mention Blitter-foot in mouth!!

The days come and go and yes I want to live. I'm not sure how. Doesn't that sound dumb. I have no dreams, no aspirations, no bucket list. I've lost so many times due to mania then depression you learn to hold onto anything loosely. Plans made for tomorrow fall apart because today you were coping, tommorow you crash. I need to be selfish and learn why and what I want to live for...

[Kurra]

Hi @Blitter16,

I have Bipolar 1 and yes it's been an inordinately rocky road. I'm pleased you're seeing a pdoc and a pnurse because careful monitoring of bipolar can make a huge difference. Do you see a psychologist? I've found the addition of my psychologist to be an invaluable part of my treatment plan. In fact my pdoc, psych and GP work as a very close knit team and I believe this has made a huge difference.

Forgive me if I've had a senior moment but are you taking any meds to help you to become stable? I've been totally med compliant for many years now and with an addition of one SSRI I am now showing no active signs of bipolar.

Yes choosing to live life to the full is in my opinion the best way to go. I do live life to the full every day. It's been a long hard road to get to this point but so worthwhile.

Keep on keeping on!
Hugzzz

[Blitter2016]

Bit embarresing but it seems that all the posts that I have made I have made to myself, ugh. So to those who were talking to me I apologize....

I've got both a Pdoc, Pnusre and social worker. I've had 40 sessions of therapy over the last 4 years. My Pnurse has said that this is probably as good as it is going to get. The therapist says she has done as much as she can.

I swapped Pnurses about 2 years ago and things have changed dramatically. Then becoming friends with another Pnurse overseas gave me another avenue of advice. I am currently on the medication their team suggested. Here in Oz, in the small town I live, Pdocs are changed every 6 months in the public system, so you never get to build a repor and each has their own agenda or drugs they want to push. It makes it really hard. There are no bipolar support groups within 250kms from here. I do take SSRI as well as AP and MS as well as Benzo's for anxiety. I live a sheltered life, but am constantly pushing the boundaries and daily try to find out where they are. I stick to routines the best I can with sleep and eating, although they are both issues. I have huge problems with showering and I really liked what someone said on another part of this forum where they said that they felt like inside what they looked like on the outside. I had never thought about it from that perspective but they were spot on.

Why am I here? How do you work out who to trust when you can't trust your own judgement and you have been through two marriage bust ups. The two people you have let in most. How do you work out how far to let people in and how do you successfully keep others at arms length. I am a very black and white person, and that comes into friendships. You are either a friend or not. It means I trust too quick and then push away too quick. No inbetween. I should stop waffling and ask for some help. Suggestions?

[Acquired_taste]

Hi Blitter2016, Your post really resonated with me. I've found personally the best outcomes I've had in every area of my life were self motivated & discovery of who I am & what things I truly believe in eg. A sense of justice, certain lifestyle, god or no god etc, once I saw more of this in clear context it has helped me to narrow my focus on things I truly feel/think/do & has then led to more productivity less 'stuckness' & I have moved further towards the life I truly want. I am currently doing some spiritual work around feeling more safe & comfortable in regards to other people, for me it seems I let others in but it reaches a certain point & then I close up, I have discovered this is to do with recurring patterns in my life. For me I've found if I write down 3 things to do each morning & 3 things to do each night, it alleviates the stress of completing tasks, for me it is put on a positive affirmation, eat a piece of fruit, brush teeth, night is have shower,prepare dinner, eat dinner. If I manage to do other things aswell then great but I atleast have to complete the lists. Yours might not be as complex or it might be more complex, whatever works for the individual. I spend some quiet time alone identifying recurring patterns in my life & saying something positive to myself & taking any negative self talk & changing it to positive self talk. No ones journey is quick or easy, everything is a process, just listen to your body in regards to medication & remind the people supporting you that you are a person as sometimes they forget, it becomes more of a process for them. I'm sorry for rambling but I hope something I've said has resonated with you & I wish you the best of luck on your journey. 🙂