Lived Experience Forum

[pip]

Dear @Blitter 2016. You have described yourself as very 'black and white', does that mean you have little/no tolerance for anyone who has 'up and down' moods as you do? I had a friend from another forum who suffered severe bipolar disorder. I found I was constantly walking on eggshells to avoid saying the wrong thing. I made a comment one day (joking), next thing he's pulled the pin totally, won't recognize me, won't speak to me. I did apologizer, he SAID he accepted the apology, but decided I was too up and down for him and he admitted he had no tolerance for mood swings. Rich coming from someone with bipolar disorder. I have no ill-will toward him. I understand he is unable to relax or accept my sense of humour. I can't change who I am, but I can learn that while some people 'click', other's don't. This person had been married twice, two defacto's, onto his 3rd and final marriage. I have no answers for you, all I can say is you have to keep trying, keep meeting people half way. Everyone feels similar to you, how do you learn to trust and accept people aren't going to **** on you. My bf actually says, in his experience, when you meet someone/anyone, accept them for what they are, who they appear to be. Try not to judge them by your own standards. Trust comes with time, patience and acceptance. Don't 'look' for something straight away. If you appear suspicious and unfriendly, people will keep away, if you give a friendly smile people will talk and listen. Human nature, being what it is, is so perceptive and often wrong in our initial perceptions of others. Be honest, but not cruel. Apologize readily for any unintentional cruel remarks made. Expect nothing in return and you could find yourself 'winning'. Friendships (true friendships) take time to cultivate. They won't happen overnight.

[Blitter2016]

Thank you for your comments Aquired.

I've certainly, and I forgot to mention it in my last post, have come to realize that medication can only get you so far and the rest must be done with mind over matter as far as you can and using the tools that you learn. I have also learned that what others say is the best there is, you need to be your own advocate and be prepared to tell them they are wrong and push. I feel I am on the right medication now, and have a fair bit of latitude in regards to additional medication sedatives and anti anxiety meds. This has come through years of pushing.

I need to get some routines established, I know that. What stops me at the moment is I cannot get through a day were I can hold the same mood long enough to be out. I have no real friends locally, and those who I might have had, have taken sides with my wife, meh, exwife. I do have spiritual beliefs, but have not managed to get into the doors this year. I have got as far as the carpark and then driven off again. That is a fight I am continuing, just like managing to look up in the supermarket etc. I do have some coping mechanisms, I take photos with my phone of any critters, one of the ideas my Pnurse came up with. If I need to go down the street to do the shopping etc, I wear my headphones or play with my phone. With no music playing I can still hear around me, but no one expects you to interact. I can also walk off and come back. I am in the process of registering my dog as a comfort mind dog and have volunteered to use her in the local nursing home. My moods have not been stable enough to be able to do this, but I am not giving up.

You have given me some good suggestions re the three tasks. I have been trying another method where I mentally make a list, pick the easiest one and try it for five minutes. If then I feel like doing it I continue. Starting is the hardest so I find this kind of works. When I can drag myself out of bed. My dog having to go to the toilet keeps me more organized than anything else as far as routines. She eats better than I do to! I walk her when I can, we have a bit of bushland behind the caravan park that she loves to run in, and that is a 20 minute treat for her which I enjoy. But that doesn't fill in the other 23 hours and 40 minutes if that makes sense. I don't know if any of this is making sense. I try not to put negative thoughts in the bank, they accumulate interest, and try to not string bad thougths or events together, my life is hopeless because of these half dozen things, etc. I thought I was lonely in a marriage, and I was, but being alone as is worse. I could talk for hours. and um, well, until I become a dog whisperer the conversations are kind of one sided...

As far as those that try and help, say in the congregation, you know they mean well, but all they offer is platitudes. It's like asking someone with asthma whats wrong, there is plenty of air around you?

[utopia]

@bitter2016. I believe we all need to get to know ourselves better. We need to be 'selfish' & focus on ourselves and our health.
I think what you spoke about is right. Somedays are hard. Some are easier. On those easier days is when I'm able to do chores around the house I have neglected or go down the street and catch up for a hot chocolate with a friend. Spur of the moment decisions - they are easier for me. If something is planned in advance - I find I can worry about it too much and then get anxious and I can't go.
Do what you can - when you can. Acknowledge those brave moments when you have pushed yourself.
Sometimes we focus too much on the - 'I can't do' & not enough on 'the I can do'.

[Blitter2016]

Hi Pip, thank you for your kind words.

When I talk of being black or white, I speak that in terms of you are either a close friend or an aquantance. I have not managed to have someone inbetween. I know that is part of the reason my marriage failed, or at least I think so. I only really need one good friend.

My Pnurse OS is also my best friend. I talk to her about everything and anything. She has bipolar as well. We go up and down, and are there for each other, one often being up when the other one is down. Occasionally we are both down at the same time, sometimes we are up at the same time. We say goodmorning and goodnight every day unless one of us goes into time out, where we will check on each other once a day, and even if it is just an x on the screen we know they are alive. She has a lot of trust issues as well.

I can be incredibly draining. I know it. She never complains and tells me it is not the case. We have been friends for near two years now, and yes I do think that in a lot of ways being friends with another bipolar person works better than trying to explain bipolar to someone else and know they don't really get it. Skipping past all of that makes talking a lot easier. There are no eggshells and we promised each other transparency with thoughts and feelings and always a brother sister relationship in our dealings with each other. Yes there are times we have to time out due to mania or pull away.

So how do you do that irl. Let me put it another way. This person living next door to me. We wouldn't stay platonic for long. And I don't like that about me, my bipolar and in no way would it help me to live alone.

Boy do I sound like a whinge bag!

[Blitter2016]

Just to add to my previous post...

I was trying to convey that given the opportunity I would jump right back into another relationship. Which is why I am trying to figure out how not to do that and be content alone. Bipolar, half the tools are to help you get out and about. Mania drives you to do the wrong things, being alone drives you toward other people and want to be intimately close. IDK how to explain this. Back to the black and white again.

I don''t know how to trust. Trust others, how far to let them in, not just for my safety as far as being hurt, but not hurting them, not forming attachments or feelings I ought not. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and a lot of you have suggested that. How do you have friends and not do what I have described above. I can't hurt anyone or be hurt or mess up if I stay to myself. Does any of this make more sense? I don't trust myself not to be stupid and end up with wife number three, and I am telling myself to not forget number one and two and how it ended. Yet I have to try and change the picture of my life and be ok with it.

[utopia]

@bitter2016. Sorry I didn't get that that was your main need. So are you asking how to be friends with someone of the opposite sex and not form a romantic / sexual attraction? Or how to avoid the fantasy / desire / need for a relationship?

[pip]

Dear @Blitter2016. Not sure if this will help, or how it will help. I decided a few years ago to join my local church. I'm not sure (even now) what I hoped/thought it might achieve, but I suppose deep down I was looking for something to believe in. I gave it my best shot (not the best choice of words, I guess) but I tried to reach out, make friends etc. Unfortunately (for me) I bummed out, big time. Yes, I met people did manage to talk to people, but because they were such staunch believers in the denomination, I was having to fight myself to not say or do anything against what they believed in. I don't know how you stand on believing in religion, but one thing I did find, to me, is people who 'spout' Christianity do not really practise it. I found inappropriate comments, unnecessary look's at what I wore, how I stood. At the same time these so-called Christians believed that while they had the right to say and do, to me, unchristian things, I had no recall. I recently underwent breast surgery to remove a malignant tumour. One thing that was repeatedly said by an elder, no less, have a mastectomy, then get a tattoo where the mastectomy scar is. This elder (a female) laughingly apologized. When I complained about this callous, shallow remark, I was told (again - laughingly) I'm SURE she didn't mean it. I was then informed Christians are only people. You may have bipolar disorder, but I'm positive you would never make such a callous insensitive remark. I've found the best people are those who don't 'hide' behind a church and make insensitive comments. I have also discovered church people are racist, basically suffer homophobia. They also seem intent on rubbishing Muslims. I know some Muslims do appear to want to blow up the world, but I was raised to treat everyone the way I would like to be treated. If you feel comfortable (you will know after talking for a few minutes), then the person you're talking to, feels just as comfortable. If you feel fidgety, and the person you're talking to is easily distracted, end the conversation politely. Not sure of your age, but have you thought about applying to Man's Shed. If you're interested in gardening, or computers or something that is basic, that might help.

[Blitter2016]

@utopia

Without spilling all on the forum since I am only new here, everytime I have been single I have with the absolute best of intentions formed friendships that I have ruined due to them turning sexual. We are not talking about the, how did you word it so eloquently, I'm not talking about the need for sex unless manic. I am talking about the need for mental connection with another human. And that mental connection usually sends out the wrong signals.... and its a lot easier to talk to someone of the opposite sex.....

[pip]

Hiya @Blitter. It's so sad that every platonic friendship you've tried to form with the opposite sex has been so difficult. In my job, I work with males every day. I share camaraderie that I never experienced with my ex. My colleagues treat me with the same respect they treat each other. I do have problems making friends with females due to jealousy/ insecurity. I have found that female/male friendships are easier because males who accept females as work colleagues treat them better than female work colleagues. Females often seem to unknowingly send 'messages' indicating sexual connotation. Usually these same females will use sexual innuendo to get their way. Some men 'fall' for this believing they're 'wanted'. Men seldom send out similar messages, it's usually a 'female thing'. I know because as a youngster, I'm ashamed to admit, I did. I'm older and wiser and do not send these messages as I do not want or need a relationship. I value my friendship with my colleagues. I treasure them and respect them for who they are rather than the fact of their gender. If I ever met you, I would treat you similar because your friendship would be equally valuable.

[Blitter2016]

i do have a belief in God and yes trying to go to a place of worship I find incredibly hard. I believe that God is love and yes imperfect people certainly so some imperfect things and say very insensitive things. A lot are each at different stages of their spiritual journey and so some are certainly better than others at displaying Christlike qualities. And there are those that hide behind it, being "rice christians". I don't like religion, and feel it has very little to do with what the bible teaches. Topic for another day. I try not to let others judge me, but its very easy to feel the stigma when you know how you are expected to act.

There is no doubt that people with mental illnesses percieve their world different than others. That what they see and hear is often very different to what someone else would see and hear. A lot like two witnesses to the same accident but from different angles or positions. Honestly, I don't know what happened with my last marriage, how much I was to blame, and because of that I don't know what to change about myself. I don't know how much to trust my instincts, how much of my assumptions were right, how much was paranoia as she would have me believe. So, I don't know who to trust, how to trust, if I can trust myself with someone else as a friend, what signals I would inadvertently send out.

I'm a little young for a mens shed, well I feel, and although a registered builder who five years ago could build a house, now I can barely competently hold a screwdriver without it shaking out of my hand. And that is before you put me in a room full of other people.

Its really hard to fight the urge to just pick up sticks, live in the middle of no where and wait to die. Sorry, my mood is crashing...thank you to everyone who has responded.

xXx