14th year house bound

[Jacques]

I am glad you have had a positive experiance with the MH system in Australia, i am just frustrated because their are so many on this site and in australia that can't get any help.

i am eligable for 10 visits too, but their is only 1 psycologist in the town i live, and he wants to charge an extra $130 per session on top of his medicare charge.

I hope i have not upset anyone reading any of this, i am sure their are many good MH workers, t is just the ratio of help to patients is so distorted, their seems to not be enough help for the ones that need it.

thank you for you help @hopeandsupport, it is much appreciated.

Jacques

[Jacques]

Good Morning my angel, i hope you managed some rest last night, i hope my comments did ntot upset you, i am just getting frustrated and needed to vent.

i have a cute photo for you, i found it online and thought you would love it.

anyway i managed to get some sleep, toook me so long to get to sleep, it was after 12am before i managed to drift off, i am feeling better today, i look like i have been in a fight though, my eyes are so black from lack of quality sleep.

how are you going this morning? when do you teach your little ones at the school some more dance moves?

I am so glad some of the school kids see in you what i have seen for a long time, that was so nice of that little girl to say you are beautiful.  it makes me really sad you have never been told this, it breaks my heart to hear it.

anyway i will stop annoying you, i hope you find somewhere peaceful to spend the day, please try for a walk, i went for mine this morning.

take care my angel

Jacques

[hiddenite]

Hi Jacques
cute photo

the nights are as traumatic as the days. I've given up on ever having a restful night.

I wake up so confused that the nightmares are real and I have trouble working out whats real or not.

I hope that makes sense.

Please never apologize I always look forward to hearing from you J.

The girls have an appointment with their psychologist today. I find these days really triggering.

I have to read their report on the girls to see how much damage I have caused them by not leaving.

I was told that im equally responsible for their trauma because I didn't leave or ring the police.

That statement alone destroyed me.

Apparently the legal system puts me at fault.

I expecting my reaction to this report is not going to be good.

I really don't feel mentally strong enough to cope with this. And seeing it in writing. Im going to hurt.

anyway j im glad you managed a walk today.

You are in my thoughts.

I know I have to go to this appointment but im terrified.
Take care
karen

[Jacques]

Rememeber my angel, the report is done by people whom have not had any experiance with doestic violence, who have never lived your life, how dare they judge you when the system failed you, not the other way around, they should be blaming that monster you where married to, he was the one at fault.

i know you are scared, i am scared too, remember i am big and strong, holding your hand, they can't hurt you, they are only words, nothing more.

you know deep down in your heart you did everything to protect you little girls, that is all that matters, it is always nice in hind sight to have an opinion, these people are not meant to judge.

Karen i am so sorry you are having trouble sleeping, it is so hard, i have the same problem, i wake up thinking i am in the middle of one of my past mistakes, you and i need to just get some rest when we can, a few hours here and their.

Karen make sure you talk to me, when you get the report or if you need some support, i will be on here all day,  so feel free to talk to me any time, i am here to support you. 

Karen you need to focus less on what is said and more on giving your girls some hugs and kisses, the girls need love and support from you, that will mean more to them than anything.

i am here for you my angel.

Jacques

[hopeandsupport]

I thought you were moving Karen, what happened to your plans?  My husband ruined me, I don't like to say my life because I am still here and my children are grown up and we are all pretty happy now, but it wasn't always that way.  I don't know all your circumstances, but sometimes you just have to let go of the people that are hurting you.  Tell them that you forgive them for not being very good role models and let go of them.  All you need is a few good friends, support people or family members and you can have a good life.  Take care. 

[hiddenite]

hi Jaqcues
20 PAGES of how damaged the girls are.

It was my duty to protect them.

I failed. .....

i never deserve to be happy.....

This is too much for me to manage.

The guilt, shame , hopelessness I will never forgive myself.

[Appleblossom]

Forgiveness and acceptance is hard, and often the hardest one to forgive is ourselves.

Life today is not always easier than it was, even is there is adequate funding. Thats why I hate economic rationalists.  Apaarently we are all allowed to hate something and they are it for me.

So @Jacques exposes a truth about Australlia's rural problems and the Tyrrany of Distance ..and being overcharged by a psych .. that is outrageous.  They dont even have medical degrees.. yet people say if they make sweeping policies .. that there is enough help out there .. I watch and try and understand why so many fall through the cracks and indeed there are a lot of cracks.

I also checked the PTSD Victoria and grumped to myself I'm out of the Austin catchment area too.  My mum wasnt she was lucky but the reputtion of the hospitals out my way is terrible.

Karen you have to keep expressing yourself and allowing the difficulties to be understood .. see it as a service beyond your own needs .. how can things improve if nobody knows.

I also had serious sleep problems but now I sleep when I have to.  I had difficulty telling difference between dream and reality .. and I can gladly say most of my dreams now are peaceful and just a settled way for my unconscious to work life's material.

Karen remember your plans and keep walking towards them.

[Jacques]

Alright Karen this is unproductive, the report states how damaged they are, i think you need to read it and put it away.

the girls are damaged, you know that, what are you going to do about it? focusing on the past will not reverse the damage, blaming yourself will not repair the damage?

You need to get the girls some professional help, you are doing that.

you need to give the girls a loving home, you are doing that.

you need to give the girls all the love and attention they can have, you are doing that.

Karen what has happened, has happened, you can't change the past, all you can do is give them a wonderful bright future, a loving mother, a loving home and let them know you will always be their for them. 

Those girls are lucky to have you as their mum Karen, and from what you tell me they already know that.  they are very bright young girls, all thanks to you.

i know you will always feel guilt and shame, we all do, it is what you do from now on that counts...........

i am here if you need to talk or have a shoulder to cry on.

be safe my angel, it has been a tough day

Jacques

[Former-Member]

Yes, i agree with all that @Jacques , you are continuing to beat your self up and do yourself more damage in the way that you look at the sessions that your children have. If the psychologist is talking to you every week about the report that may be unhelpful. Ask the psychologist to only talk to you about the girls progress and what they suggest will be helpful between sessions to keep them progressing. I'm surprised that they are taking so much time with the report as thats really not useful. You've read the report... now try to leave it behind.. its in the past. You can accept that they girls have some difficulites but you are working to overcome those. Keep working with the things that are in your control.. the actions that you can take in a positive way. 

Enough people have treated you badly.. you dont need to be one of them Karen 🙂

LJ

[hiddenite]

Thanks everyone

I just feel I failed. A mothers job is to protect their children.

I have also been criticized saying that my mental health is detramental to the girls health.

oh my myn is right the girls will be better off without me:(