14th year house bound

[Jacques]

Thank you for the support @PixiGT, it is much appreciated. and yes i will accept a hug

[Jacques]

yes @Appleblossom, i think what i am trying to say is i am not like other people, mentally i have had to become insular to manage the monotany of day to day life.  yes reality i often wonder if i am still really alive, anything outside my house seems like a movie, it belongs to someone else, not me.

he drove past the house 6 times in the last 2 days, no he didn't stop, i think he is just seeing if i still live here.  i don't know, i just wish they would all go away.

well i don't know if i will ever integrate into my being, i don't think i have one. eveything for me seems "robitic" without feeling, i seem to do everything to a routine, even time is starting to become a thing i can't measure, only hours moths and years matter to me.  minutes, days and weeks mean nothing, i could not even tell you what month or day we are at.

yes, i agree opening up my mind to how the world works and all the terrible things humans do to each other, not to mention the complexity of daily life i have just never been able to handle, i see how simple animals lives are, and wish i could be like them, but i am forced to live in someone elses world, the decisions have been made, and i have to adapt as best i can to the world that has been created by our forbears.

you are right the image of the world the media give and what happenes in reality is so far removed it is not funny. reading the cables on wikileaks almost brings me to tears how us humans can be so cruel to women, children, elderly and men.  humans are a virus, consume, destroy and spread.

[Appleblossom]

I think a lot of people could relate to feeling "robotic" at times .. I certainly have ..

I just had a "disney priness" conversation with a teenage student who is learning some Beauty and the Beast songs .. I think your head is screwed on reasonably well .. What we dont know about in other people worlds is also respect for their privacy and refusal to presume .. about them.

I get VERY disappointed about negative human traits and behaviours too ..

Today I emailed my daughter about the horrible death of the young gay woman in Israel. For a long time I did not have access to "the news" so co0uldnt have non-personal conversations ..

I need to be careful for being naive .. though on some levels I had a very exposed existence .. but if I gave into all the negativity I have experienced I would be come a monster.

[hiddenite]

Hi Appleblossom and pixigt thank you so much for your kindness. 

I find it really difficult talking to others because I'm scared that I will say something wrong or upset someone. But I am really grateful that you have taken the time to respond.

Take care 

Karen

[Jacques]

Thanks for trying to comfort me.

he has been past the house 3 times this morning, i am terrified.

Maybe i have made an impression on them, but i am just a shadow of who i was back then.  i just wish people thought i didn't exist.  i wish i could live in a city to disappear.

maybe you are right @Appleblossom, but it is no good for me, i get so anxious, i just want to be left alone, i have destroyed my life and want no one to know.  i just want to be here to look after mum in her old age, that is all that matters to me, i gave up on life a long time ago, i only exist for mum, no more, no less.

letting go of any future is what has kept me sane all these years, knowing i am in control of what happens to me has been a comfort, and has allowed me to focus on surviving day-to-day, i would have lost it a long time ago looking at 4 walls for 14 years, letting go of the outside world has helped me forget who i was and who i am.

yes that was terrible about the woman in Izrael, it never ceses to amaze me how cruel religious people can be, considering they are meant to be peaceful peopel, i have never met a religious person who is not nasty.  over the years i have forced myself to witness the systematic destruction of humanity, all the wars and the criminal behaviour of all governments around the world, i have not found 1 government whom has not commited terrible attrocities in the name of "national security".  i think that is why i am a monster, because i have given into all the negativity and hate.

take care @NikNik & @Appleblossom

Jacques

[Jacques]

Hello my angel Karen,

how did today go? i hope the care team did not make things worse.

i was thinking about you today i hope your day didn't go too slow in the car. i was so glad to see you talking about your plans for the house.

i am really looking forward to see how you go, i know you can do it, and i know deep down you know it too.

Karen i am frightened i am going to say the wrong thing too, i am sure if you or i say something wrong the others will let us know.

i hope you and the girls have a good night with the puzzles and sewing.

i am here if you need to talk

take care my angel

Jacques

[hiddenite]

Hi Jacques

Well another day done I'm still numb, but at least I have the girls. We are lying in bed having cuddles and I'm sure there will be a bed time story.

I enjoyed my walk today the cockatoo were about and some really noisy cows. The sheep are having lambs and the trees are full of battle. Not good for the hay fever:-)

I hope you are rugged up for another cold night,

My thoughts are with you j

Karen 

[Jacques]

hey my angel,

yes always remember you have your wonderful girls.  good for you, i am sure cuddles are the best, unfortunatly for me my parents where never really physically affectionate, the best i got was a pat on the shoulder.

Karen you are so wonderful to your girls, so many children get neglected, your girls are really lucky to have you.

oh my gosh lambing already, sounds like spring is on the way ...  oh my gosh i have to tell you a funny story, the calf over at the farm he is white, so cute, this is a photo of the breed

anyway the farm hand had his truck with the grain trailer in the paddock, so the calf spent about 1 hour hopping and bucking around the trailer headbutting the tires and then started eating the grain as it came out of the shoot, it was so funny.

oh god don't talk about hay feaver, i have it really bad at the moment. just got myself a big box of hayfeaver tablets to do me the whole of spring.

yes i have my sleeping bag and hot water bottle.

Take care my angel

jacques

[Appleblossom]

It is hard to know what to say .. @hiddenite which is why I probably make the mistake of giving too much of myself away .. but better that and a sense that if I accidentally tread on somebody's toes .. it becomes obvious I dont mean to hurt anyone... than distant cold or just formal politeness.

But manners have there importance too .. I dont mean to tie myself in knots ... Glad to hear you got through today. .. and hugs if you want .. I appreciate @PixiGT including that as sometimes we are too fragile or not in the right place for hugs ..

[hiddenite]

Oh j

The picture is so cute. I wish I was there to see all the animals. (So much better than people) shhh don't tell anyone though.

Sounds like your having a bit of a down day. You know j that I am here to listen anytime.

I for one are extremely grateful that you are here. You have no idea how lucky I felt when I finally found you again.

I am privileged to have you as my friend Jacques.

So snuggle up in your sleeping bag and hot water bottle because my friend I am not goin anywhere. Doesn't matter how much you want to push me away j I am more stubborn than you.

Sleep well tonight j I am with you holding your hand and I'm not letting go!!!!!

Oh a spare sleeping bag and hot water bottle will be nice thanks. Got to look after your friends.

Karen