14th year house bound

[hiddenite]

Hi Jacques
thanks for the teddy it was really comforting.

The house is going to be a big job. The stumps all need replacing. So I will have to remove all the plants and tree ferns that are around the house so the access is easier.

I will remove all curtains and blinds , then I will pull up all the carpet.

Next the bathrooms to be removed then kitchen.

Remove and replace all doors and handles.

New flooring throughout.

Thhen painting inside and out after fascia and gutters are replaced.

big job ahead.

I just need to break it down to smaller more manageable jobs so I don't become too overwhelmed.

I hope you enjoyed your walk j im going for mine now.
take care
karen

[Jacques]

Hi Karen, my angel,

wow you are not kidding, i might need to get some tips from you, i am about to redo the kitchen, laundry, and rewire the whole house, so it looks like i have a big job too, i would love it if you and i could share pointers.

yes i have just replaced all the doors and locks on my place too, yes i have done the same, broken it down into rooms, i am going to paint the whole inside of the house in summer, stow white, it is a nice colour.

Yes i went for my walk this morning and i hope your walk is nice too, their is something comforting about walking, maybe gives me something else to think about.

I am glad you are sounding better today, i hope all goes well today, i know you are going to worry, but what will be, will be.  remember you have your own place now, you can't be bullied their.

you are in my thoughts my angel, we fight to get through another day.

Jacques

[NikNik]

@Jacques - because you had an impact on them, that's why people want to know you 🙂

Your friendship has made a difference to them.

[hiddenite]

Hey j

walking was ok but its so cold in the car today. Still only 4. I can see the snow on the mountains.
Even my fingers are numb as my feet and legs.

Yea just another day.

Boy you have been working really hard.
You should be so proud to achieve that with everything else you have to battle.

My main concern is how im going to lift things that are too heavy.

the oven I will pull apart so I can use a trolley to move it. Other things are going to be difficult without someone helping.

anyway enjoy your day j
karen

[Appleblossom]

Oh @JacquesNow you are reminding me of @kenny66 .

My main escape has been into the bush and now I keep thinking how like plants people are not just mammals.

I cant say why people in your town may want to say hi .. they probably have their own swag of fears and seeing you probably lightened them up ..a  "blast from the past" can be great sometimes.

when you talk about being humiliated it sounds as if you have internalised some of your rellies snooty attitudes and turned it on you .. I agree with @NikNik it was because you are real about your pain but that is not the whole of you that made me like you. It is the combinationof both and struggle that makes us honest.

[Jacques]

Hi Karen, my angel,

oh wow that is cold, i am complaining about 9, my thoughts are with you, maybe go for a little drive with the heater on is my suggestion.

yep just another day, very repeditive isn't it, yes it has been good to have something to do, takes my mind off of the anxiety, and is helping me sleep.

well i do all the work here myself, i too sometimes find it hard to lift, anything i can move, i move on a trolly or yard cart, anything else i tie a rope around it and drag it.  does your 4X4 have a tow bar? i use my Celica sometimes, i tie a rope around the tow hooks and use the car to drag things.  just make sure your rope is strong enough.

I wish i could help you with the heavy stuff, anyway i am so proud of you thinking toward the future, i am excited for you and the girls, hopefully your life can come back on track and you can have some quality home time with the kids.

keep warm my angel.

Jacques

[NikNik]

@hiddenite

Those plans sound awesome. I currently rent a place, so I wish I had the freedom to renovate and style my place without limitations.
Do you have a 'look' in mind for the place.. eg: 'country cottage feel' ?

[Appleblossom]

@hiddenite

We renovated for 10 years while kids were little and I know it can seem a daunting task, even when you have done it before.

But so long as you have access to water, plumbing, and a roof over your heads, you can provide a home to your girls.  They will get the added advantage of seeing their mum address the boring day to day but real issues of life. even as you sit spreadeagled on kitchen floor with oven around you. That is much more real image of womanhood for rowing girls than pics on tv or even women sitting in therapist offices.

My daughter is the one who manages to put the furniture together in her gay relationship .. she is the practical one because she has seen with her own eyes how it is done.

I also feel strongly about your sense of foreboding re parents seeing care team .. I dont think it should be minimised .. my mother betrayed me with my daughter and the grandparent game can be toxic not all lollies and toys and innocence.. but sweeping under carpet of passed injustice.

Still look it in the eye and take one step at a time. You @hiddenite can do it.  The world does need real women not pretend ones.

[PixiGT]

Sounds like things are hard at the moment for some posters - my thoughts are with you and I hope things can get better, but if not, that you can feel a little better about the circumstances that you are in. Hugs to you if you want 

[Appleblossom]

You have not destroyed your life @Jacques.

But God I hear it that you used the ironical sense of freedom of choice of taking your own life .. to motivate yourself to get going with daily stuff.

Sometimes freedom is a weird thing. Our mental realities can be weird too. Freud wrote a great essay on "The Uncanny".

But you are a wonder I know people cannot do those things and they fritter away their lives .. see yourself as a survivor without self judgement.

Did that person just walk by in the street or come to visit you specifically.

Too bad if you think you are a shadow .. we all have shadow sides .. Jung says we have to integrate it into our beings as a part of maturity ..

I think you have courage and the discernment to see that the your nuclear family were more loving to you than the rest of the world until you were old enough to grapple with wider social realities .. pretending that the world is a nicer place than it really is, can be unvalidating to those who have experienced real pain.

Glossy lives belong in glossy magazines.