Looking after ourselves
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30-06-2022 01:41 PM
30-06-2022 01:41 PM
Stay or Go
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30-06-2022 01:53 PM
30-06-2022 01:53 PM
Re: Stay or Go
Hi There @Sparkey123, I want to first acknowledge all of the challenges and struggles it sounds like you've been through and say that I'm sorry it's something you've had to experience. It's such a hard thing, though ultimately a choice it is up to you to make. I know talking it out can sometimes help me start to figure out how I might navigate a hard situation, and I really want to encourage you to reach out for support for yourself, because you deserve that too. There's 1800Respect and Carer Gateway as a few options available to you. Please take good care of yourself.
TideisTurning ❤️
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30-06-2022 08:39 PM
30-06-2022 08:39 PM
Re: Stay or Go
This is exactly where I am, and how I feel.
But I am tired of walking on egg shells every morning until I find out what mood he is in. (He has STPB)
We have ceased communication aside from pleasantries because if we try to have a proper conversation it ends up in irritation after a misunderstanding. I am currently just saving as much money as I can, my therapist said to me "One happy parent is better than two unhappy ones".
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30-06-2022 08:40 PM
30-06-2022 08:40 PM
Re: Stay or Go
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01-07-2022 09:12 AM
01-07-2022 09:12 AM
Re: Stay or Go
@Sparkey123 my husband left me for another woman when i became ill with bipolar I/schizoaffective disorder. years later he has apologised and told me he regrets it. your hubby needs your support and you need also to to look after yourself.
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01-07-2022 11:23 AM
01-07-2022 11:23 AM
Re: Stay or Go
Hi @Sparkey123
I am so sorry you have to make this decision. I have a husband 58, with schizophrenia and bipolar and a daughter 22, with Borderline. Both are offically diagnosed by psychiatrists for the past 5 years, so I have seen the two conditions up close. I think knowing which condition your husband has is fairly important because the treatments and prognosis are so different. A hint I can give you, which may or may not help, is that with my daughter her responses to a particular circumstance are very predictable. eg if I try to encourage her to be more independant or refuse to taxi her somewhere, she will express instant anger, nastiness and can get to rage at me if I keep my position. She can resort to suicide threats and self harm, all aimed at securing my complete attention. So her responses don't vary much at all, and seem triggered by fear of abandonment.
In contrast, when my husband is sick, ie manic or delusional, his responses to an event will be unpredictable and certainly nothing like the normal response when he is well. So I am saying his illness means his responses vary to the same event. External triggers don't bring on a consistent response. My daughter's responses do not vary, because her illness ( BPD) is essentially maladaptive coping skills for lifes stressors. The treatment for BPD is intensive dielective therapy ( a form of talk therapy to help develop control over their thinking and the extreme emotions their thoughts provoke).
Obviously treatment for bipolar is medication based. I either circumstance the sufferer must want to seek treatment.
The best advice I have recieved lately on deciding to stay or go was the following
" You must put your own life on a stable basis, to support yourself independant of my husbands illness. That way your first priority, supporting your children, can be achieved. The next priority, supporting your husband, can then be from a place of calm, where boundaries can be enforced, to protect yourself and the children from trauma."
I am still thinking about my friend's advice because I guess there may be a few ways to achieve this.
- All the best.
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01-07-2022 02:01 PM
01-07-2022 02:01 PM
Re: Stay or Go
@Sparkey123 @Joonbug @Daisycat
Hope the range of responses was helpful. Some counselling is a first step.
I walked on eggshells for 16 years with my ex husband and all his associated problems with mental illness. I could not afford any more deaths in my family and things just got worse and worse for me til my health was a nightmare. SO leaving and surviving as single mum became my priority. Not easy, but best in our circumstances.
Take Care and take your time to make your decisions.
Apple