Looking after ourselves
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03-11-2015 05:18 AM
03-11-2015 05:18 AM
Carer or partner?
I am in a relationship with an amazing person who has a great mind, career, close friends and is creative but the impact of bi-polar (the depressed end ) on our day to day life causes me so much stress I can barely cope at times. I naively thought when my partner told me about it when we first met 2 1/2 years ago that it would only affect us/me if and when there was another hospital admission again (and its only been twice ever) but its all the day to day little moments of not coping, not wanting to socialise, wanting to see people one on one but not in couples, black moods, anger and blame and negative focus on my little dog when stressed that gets to me. I hate that the worst is left for me and at work my partner is charming and able to mostly hold if together. I feel powerless and trapped yet when things are good we really enjoy talking and time together and have a lot in common.
I feel overwhelmed with all the focus on my partners needs. I try hard to be supportive as had some very difficult changes lately with retrenchment a few days ago, buying a first home and looking after an ill sister but I feel so resentful that the focus is always on how they are managing when I have needs of my own around career changes and living in a different city to my family and old friends. I am becoming isolated from my friends, many who have seen me very upset in the past and are a bit protective now.
I just want to have an equal partnership, where we help each other instead of feeling like I'm the parent/professional/ nurse but Im beginning to accept that this won't ever happen with this damned diagnosis. I used to hate the term 'carer' as I thought that it implied that my partner doesn't give back when they do when well but now I hate having to accept that this is how it is. It's an uneven street. I feel depressed about that and exhausted. I don't have the energy to give up and I'm also terrified of losing the good things that we have. Any thoughts from your own experiences?
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03-11-2015 11:06 AM
03-11-2015 11:06 AM
Re: Carer or partner?
No point in having a breakdown; that won't help either of you...you need a 2 week break mininium maybe a month off latter...
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03-11-2015 01:36 PM
03-11-2015 01:36 PM
Re: Carer or partner?
Hi @Jane9,
Welcome to the SANE Forums!
Wow, it sounds like a really challenging time in your relationship right now. It's obvious how much you care about your partner from the way you describe them as amazing and clearly are very supportive of their needs. At the same time, it's completely understandable that you sometimes feel resentful that your own needs often go unnoticed. Those day to day challenges you mentioned can be so stressful and often go unrecognised by others. Your desire for an equal partnership is of course completely reasonable, and I'm sure what most of us are looking for - it can be so hard when mental illness complicates this further!
Quite a few other members of our Forums have partners with Bipolar Disorder - perhaps some of them could share some of their own experiences with you? @Ant1, @tfishface, @Lucky2015, @9350, @Joyjoy68, @Jacob101 and @Sukha14, do any of you have some thoughts to share with @Jane9?
You mentioned feeling overwhelmed, depressed, powerless, trapped, isolated and exhausted... that is a lot for anyone to be going through!! I was wondering if you have anyone supporting you with all this? Or are there some self-care things you do to look after yourself?
Once again, welcome @Jane9, I look forward to hearing more from you!
Shimmer 🙂
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04-11-2015 10:04 PM
04-11-2015 10:04 PM
Re: Carer or partner?
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05-11-2015 04:32 AM
05-11-2015 04:32 AM
Re: Carer or partner?
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05-11-2015 10:24 AM
05-11-2015 10:24 AM
Re: Carer or partner?
@Jane9 welcome to the forum. I haven't been on here long either, but there are some very supportive people here. What you wrote sounds very much like me, though my hubby has a brain injury not bipolar and I realised am no longer a partner but a carer and manager. I say the latter, because he does some very stupid things and has no idea of money. He wants to spend it constantly, but can't understand what things cost or count change. He has no idea how to remember a pin number, but that's a good thing imo. What I miss most is the ablity to have a conversation. I talk, and I might get some kind of sound - it varies, or a 3 word phrase, a complete disagreement, even if he agrees, silence, or he'll walk out in the middle of a sentence, because he thought I'd finished.
You sound like you're in overwhelm, like where I am now. You need time out. It's vital. I'm still working out how I can get any, because unlike your partner, mine is not high functioning, but is rude, bad tempered, suffers massive mood swings, irrational, delusional and paranoid. There is no resemblance to the man I called my husband.
So few friends understand what you're going through. Mine think I make it all up, because he seems friendly and appears sociable when I can get him out to see anyone, but they don't notice the sudden panic and his desperate need to run (and drag me with him) if anyone is getting too close, or we stay more than 30 minutes anywhere (shopping included). So come here and vent and know that there are people who do know what you're going through. There are services out there that can help you too.
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06-11-2015 10:49 PM
06-11-2015 10:49 PM
Re: Carer or partner?
I guess the best way to deal with your situation is to UP the amount of emphasis on your own care ... friends and interests.
I have had family of 2 different partners (one in my teens and one in my 20s and 30s my ex husband) say they were grateful that I relieved their anxiety about their relatives' well being and behaviour ... It was nice to hear but ... a verbal bit of praise does not equal the "living with" experience ...
Good Luck ... maybe learn about boundaries ... I am trying to ...
I also have ended up feeling drained by others who were already getting loads of support ... whereas I was not .... dont let it just continue ... try and get your life back.
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09-11-2015 07:06 AM
09-11-2015 07:06 AM
Re: Carer or partner?
When I think about it, I do the same to my step mother who cares for my father with parkinson's disease, in another state. What a relief to know she's there. I think I'll call her!
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09-11-2015 07:10 AM
09-11-2015 07:10 AM
Re: Carer or partner?
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07-02-2016 10:46 AM
07-02-2016 10:46 AM
Re: Carer or partner?
Thanks for sharing your story. Made me tear up a little reading it as it's nice to know there are others feeling the same.
I'm new to this forum. New to the concept of being a career or even needing support for myself.
My husband (in my humble opinion) is one of the most amazing men you'll ever meet. He is successful, outgoing, hilarious and a wonderful partner. We had a child a year ago and he has been the most amazing dad. However over the last 5months he has been really depressed. For valid reasons which he is able to identify, but his depression seems to be worsening. He has lost his spark. He went to see a psychologist a few weeks ago and after 2 sessions thinks he is better and armed with some strategies to improve things.
I guess I can really relate to the feeling of being overwhelmed and resentful that the focus is all about them. I feel so guilty for this! I look at all the wonderful supportive things I did in the first few months and then look at how snappy and impatient I am now - and I feel so bad. I have also had some major things in my life which has gone unnoticed by him, or if he has registered them we have a 5 second conversation about it and he thinks that's all that's needed. Yet he can talk about himself and what he needs etc endlessly. It is tiring.
One of the most frustrating things I find is that I talk to him about these things and it just seem to make him feel worse. Instead of being motivated and trying to makes some changes he seems to turn into a wilted flower in front of my eyes.
We haven't had sex in a long time either which I don't know whether to talk to him about or not. Previously this just puts more pressure on him which is most unhelpful when it comes to this topic!!
Sorry to have tagged onto your thread with my own issues Its just lovely to have space to talk about this with people who have had similar experiences. I've read some other threads here about boundaries and making time for yourself which I will try to do. Hard when you have a 1yr old consuming all your time!
I wish you all the best with your partner Jane. It sounds like she is lucky to have you 🙂