To everyone that has taken time to read, support and reply to my first post I appreciate you all from the bottom of my heart.

I have read each reply and thought I would explain my situation a little more, I can't really go into depth with it because my trauma stems from when I was a child right up until adulthood and it would take me hours and hours to type.

I honestly don't know where to start, but I have educated myself over the few years about mental health which unfortunately a lot of people don't do. When I got diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder it honestly shattered my heart because I have to live with this for the rest of my life. I always tell myself and people around me that everything happens for a reason and sometimes the reason is the most horrible reason, but it still happens and there is nothing that you can do to change that. I have been researching more and more about dissociation and derealisation and seem to not get far, I feel this all day everyday, its draining, embarrassing and just life sucking. If anyone else feels like this please let me know, I would like to see how people deal when feeling this way, and how it affects you. When I tell people what it feels like is, It's like one side of my brain knows what I'm doing, where I am, and that I am alive and okay. And the other side of my brain is scared, doesn't know where I am, doesn't know what I'm doing, feeling like I'm not real, that nothing is real and to get back home because I start to hyperventilate. 

I can say though that I haven't gone back to step one, when I was first going through this I could not calm myself down and it got to the point where the ambulance were called twice in one week. That was around 3/4 years ago now. I know my breathing tactics and grounding, and while I'm out if I get that anxious I know I need to stay there and breathe through it so I don't get scared to go back to that place in the future. A big thing as well that I struggle with even when with friends, partner or my family members is places like the supermarket, bunnings, Kmart or big places because I feel like I'm stuck and I cannot move and go into that panic, I'm just wondering if anyone has any answers to why I feel like that. I have also tried to get as much medical help as I can and I am finally getting people to listen to me and my trauma and my story after a lifetime of being pushed to the side. I am highly medicated and have been since I was a teenager, I have been on all sorts of medications. These medications that I'm on now seem to work but I do shake a lot in my hands and legs when I lay down and the side affects of them all cause drowsiness.

If anyone has anymore questions feel free to ask

Thankyou again for anyone whom reads this 

Dont forget that you are loved ❤️