Hey everyone.

Not having much luck with support within the community so am checking out what online resources are available. I'll try not to share too much but there's a lot going on.

I'm early 40's (M), I've struggled most of my life with Depression but it's got worse the last few years - to the point where I had to stop working due to various health issues. I'm unhappy and unfulfilled, and I am finding very little joy in everyday activities.

I have Depression and Anxiety, and last year I was diagnosed with Autism, and Avoidant Personality Disorder. I also have elements of Body Dysmorphia and OCD.

I've seen high end Psychiatrists, but have not responded to various medications, have see multiple therapists over the years (largely uneventful), I was an in patient at a private hospital and had TMS (which didn't work), and have tried many life hacks and supplements but always end up in the same spot. I'm miserable, and exhausted.

I was approved for the NDIS earlier this year but things move very slowly, and I haven't actually been able to access any supports as yet. 

After we had kids I felt my wife of 20 years slipping away as kids became her sole focus. I was in a sexless marriage for over 3 years, sleeping in separate bedrooms. I tried to communicate to my wife but to no avail. She was later diagnosed with Cancer, which obviously didn't help the situation and I felt bad for speaking up about my own needs.

I wanted to address the issues in a professional environment but my wife refused to go to couples therapy with me (which I considered a deal breaker) so we have now separated although we are still currently living together because I can't afford to get a place on my own at the moment and we are "generally" on good terms so this is what we have agreed is best (for now).

In saying that, she often overrides me and undermines my efforts when I try to parent my children, and due to a lack of self confidence and wanting to avoid conflict in front of the children I back down. So am having a hard time with parenting. My kids are also causing me a lot of anxiety because I don't really want to be around them when I am depressed, and unfortunately I am depressed more often than not.

I don't have any friends IRL and have a small family. I was very close to my Mum but she passed away this year. My Mum, and my (ex) wife were the most important people in my support network.

I have had acne most of my life, on and off. But for the last 2 years have been suffering from increased acne which has affected the way I feel about myself. Because it has been ongoing for over 25 years I think it brings up some type of trauma response in me. I am on acne medication and have tried earnestly to manage the symptoms, for example working with a men's health GP to look at my hormones, multiple sessions with dermatologist(s) and laser treatment, seeing a dietitian and doing elimination diets such as going dairy free, gluten free, sugar free, low GI foods, and also cutting out alcohol. Still, the acne persists and suffering from acne as a male in his forties is very disheartening and I hate the way that I look.

I have been alcohol free for about 400 days now, but I feel like I am at that point where I want to have a drink over the xmas period. When I mentioned this to my (ex) wife she was not happy and basically scolded me for even suggesting it. I don't know if I will or not, but I originally cut it out to see if it would improve my acne and it hasn't. However I do value my sobriety and I know that being sober is the best choice, given my poor mental health. By the same token, I also want to give myself permission to make my own decisions, and mistakes.

Thanks for reading.