Hi @Beansprout and welcome.

I totally get where you are coming from. I have suffered from depression for 22 years after the death of my abusive partner. And I realise now that a lot of my depression back then was from the guilt I felt over his death, and I continued to grieve the loss of the awesome way he made me feel in the first five years we were together. I have never been so in love with someone as him. And I missed feeling that way. But then I realised I was grieving a person who no longer existed. He turned into a controlling and physically and mentally abusive person. So even though I felt like shit with the depression, it was nothing like what I have been going through since 2018. That was my rock bottom, and my depression worsened and then came the CPTSD, anxiety and panic attacks just to name a few issues.

I thought that I was going to be miserable for the rest of my life. But after seeing several psychologist and social workers, I finally found one, that understood me and my way of thinking. I still struggle, but I am empowering myself with knowledge through workshops to help me learn what my core values are and how to set boundaries and stick to them. Each time I enroll in a workshop, I can feel myself getting that little bit better at the way I handle my life. It has been a very long battle, and I can feel a glimmer of hope that I might actually become a better and stronger person at the other side of this illness.

I am currently reading a book called Empowered Women Empower Women.

About the book - It holds the transformational stories of 19 women from around the world. With authors from Australia, Zimbabwe, the Philippines, Germany, Sweden, Canada, Papua New Guinea, the UK, and the United States, this book is a truly global celebration of women.
Empowered Women Empower Women is a testament to the strength of women who have risen above challenges to uplift themselves and others around them. Their stories, though diverse, all share a common thread: the desire to make a difference.
In this book, you’ll be inspired by the countless stories of women who have turned adversity into opportunity and overcome the challenges you may be facing right now. You’ll discover that adversity can fuel a desire to serve others, create meaningful businesses and enrich lives.
Whether you are at the beginning of your journey or looking for ways to make an impact, allow this book to inspire you.

https://www.amazon.com.au/s?k=empowered+women+empower+women&i=digital-text&crid=2MCUF90ONCRNU&sprefix=empowered+women+empower+women%2Cdigital-text%2C1004&ref=nb_sb_noss_1 

I am finding it very helpful reading these stories and seeing how they have turned their lives around. And it gives me hope that I can too. And I have been feeling a bit more positive since I have started reading it. My Social Worker, who is actually one of the 19 women in the book, so I am looking forward to readying her story.

Just don't ever give up, you are worth fighting for 😊