The SANE Forums is a supportive community, but just like other communities, there are challenging times. Times when people don’t see eye-to-eye, or when things you read can trigger strong emotions.

So what can you do when something on the Forums upsets you? Here are some suggestions.

Self-care for Forums users

Your first priority should always be self-care. If you’re upset about something you read on the Forums, it may be helpful to work through the following steps:

1. Pause. If your reaction is very strong, take some time out away from the Forums, or away from the thread where the discussion is occurring. Posting when you’re agitated or upset can lead to feeling more distressed, so take a break to help your emotions settle.
2. Check in with those emotions. Are you feeling upset? Angry? Annoyed? Is it only about this event, or has it triggered past memories or hurts?
3. Emote. Use strategies you have found helpful in the past to manage strong emotions. For example, find an offline place to write what you feel. A notepad, a diary, anywhere only you will see it. It’s not for anyone else to read, so you can express yourself without a filter.
4. Seek help. If you’re distressed, talk to your therapist, your doctor, a helpline, a friend, anyone who will help you vent and process your emotions.
5. Soothe. Do the things you do to calm yourself. Listen to your favourite music, make a cup of tea, run, take a bath, watch your favourite movie. Treat yourself.
6. Reflect. When you’re ready, take some time to reflect on what upset you on the Forums, and decide if you want to respond. Responding and not responding are both valid options.

This also applies if you’re not feeling up to giving support on the Forums. It’s okay to step back for a while. You could avoid certain topics or discussions, or take some time out of the Forums altogether for self-care. If you want to stay on, you could visit some of ‘lighter’ discussions.

Find out how other members manage triggers and self-care.

Addressing conflict

Conflict is a normal part of communicating and connecting. It can be stressful, but it can also be an opportunity to work through and resolve issues.

If you decide you want to communicate with the other member and try to resolve the conflict, there are a few useful things to do:

• Practise empathy. Did the other member mean harm? Is it possible they put their point badly or didn’t quite say what they mean? Is it a valid point, even if it upset you?
• Ask them to clarify what they meant. ‘I’m not sure I understood when you said x. Could you explain a little more please?’
• Focus on the issue, not the person. ‘I disagree about this topic’ is better than ‘you are wrong/hurtful/bad.’
• Use ‘I’ statements to describe your emotions. ‘I felt upset’ is better than ‘you upset me.’
• Respect their point of view, while offering your own. If someone has expressed a hurtful opinion, see it as an opportunity to educate them on the impact it can have on others.
• Stay tuned into your feelings. If you get frustrated or upset, or the conversation becomes unproductive, it’s okay to take a break. Self-care is priority number one, so return to those steps if you need to.

Getting moderators involved

Forums moderators work behind the scenes reviewing posts. If a moderator spots a conflict, they may enter the conversation and try to help resolve things.

You can also email team@saneforums.org to alert them to the situation.

If you see any content that is harmful or triggering, or you believe violates the Community guidelines, you can use the ‘Report Inappropriate Content’ function on the desktop or tablet version of the Forums to alert the moderator.

A moderator:

1. will attempt to facilitate a resolution between the members within the thread
2. will contact each member involved via email to continue working towards a resolution if no resolution seems possible on the Forums
3. may temporarily close a thread to diffuse the situation If a discussion thread becomes unproductive
4. will remove the post and contact the member if the conflict breaches guidelines.

Remember: if you don’t want to address the conflict straight away, that’s okay. Breathing space can be helpful. Take some time out, practise self-care and revisit the discussion when you’re ready.

For more guidance on how to respond to conflict, email team@saneforums.org

For more Forums Guides, see:

• Getting started
• Community guidelines
• How-tos
• Self-care and conflict
• Glossary of mental health terms
• Support outside the Forums

Please note: SANE Forums are peer-to-peer support services. The information provided is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between a patient and their health care professionals.

They do not provide crisis support or counselling. If you or someone you know is in crisis and needs urgent help call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or in an emergency call 000.