@Jynx @rav3n  I managed to get myself to my psychologist appointment this morning. I felt and looked stupid, but I had my weighted sloth with me and my piece of string. Before walking in, I had a couple of extra minutes so I wrote down what happened last week cause I knew I wouldn’t be able to get it out… but also knew my psychologist wouldn’t read it anyways? So really it was just a waste of time. 
My SW met me there and sat and waited with me. She reminded me about what we talked about yesterday and she really encouraged me to talk to my psychologist about what has been happening. 
My psychologist called me in and I followed her up that long white corridor and into the same bloody room that I hate because the room next door is always very loud when there are people in there and I can no focus!! You know how hard it is to focus when your own head is so loud, my psychologist is talking and I am trying to focus on her and then there are numerous people next door talking! Urgh!! 
Straight away she asked me what’s been happening and what happened last week. Fark, silence. ‘Lots has been happening’. She wanted to know about last week. I looked at my note book. Opened the page and just stared at it for ages. And ages. I then went to hand it to her and she shut me down. We’re getting you to talk. Can you read it to me? Instant anger flooded me. 🤬 I was so freaking close to just walking out. Again I sat and stared at the words. More time passed sitting in silence. ‘Why can’t you read it?’ Cause I just can’t. The words are too hard. It’s too scary. More silence. She eventually caved and said she’d be willing if it’s that hard and I can’t read it. Still so angry. More silence. I eventually handed it to her. 
hmmm ok. She asked what I meant by happening more often?…. Umm it’s happening more often? More than usual? She asked about the times that my D has found me. She was concerned about her supervisor?  
And then that was it. 
She then spent the rest of the session wanting to know why I withdraw. Why I don’t take calls. Why I don’t come to appointments? (I’ve not missed that many and it’s only been in recent months) what does withdrawal look like? How do different people respond to me withdrawing? What are my barriers?
Ding ding ding I was still so angry so I was gonna say… because when things are bad I sometimes need to write things down and you won’t let me. Who has said that? What the actually Fark????? You have said it from the beginning!! My old psychologist had no problem with me doing. I then went on to explain that sometimes I just simple need to write it down to get it out and then I’m more able to talk. I then said that my CM is the same. I mentioned my communication cards and how my SW bought it up at my pdoc appointment last week and my CM basically said no. I can’t use them. My psychologist said that I need to talk with my CM about issues I have with her! Fark. Where is this going??!?!  Nowhere. I started to cry. I got the usual questions… ‘what’s coming up for you?’. I told her I just feel like a nuisance now. In the too hard basket.
I 100% reckon they’d been hoping I was gonna keep disengaging and just drop me from her books. 

I told her I sometimes don’t answer calls from private numbers cause I don’t know who it is and just don’t wanna deal with that unknown. Other times I don’t wanna answer all the questions on the phone and hash out everything. She said that she doesn’t like to open cans of worms over the phone…. What a load a shat… I’ve taken calls from her when I haven’t attended and she’s asked all the questions. 
im just so very angry. Frustrated. All of that. It was such an hugely invalidating experience. 
nothing at all to support me or reassure me of what has been happening expect for a passing comment on my way out the door ‘you could note down when it happens… oh and are you ok to drive?’.

as if you even care!!!