Hi @Former-Member 

 when I say I’ve worked on finding my purpose, I really have. I looked at what I used to do and how that equated into my values and after a few years I was able to pinpoint my top 5 values that I would like to live from. it was a lot of work to get there and then I worked on how I would implement these values and what it would look like (I did 20 years of coaching before I lost my job). Unfortunately I don’t have the capacity or opportunity to implement my values and my family is spread all over, I haven’t seen my kids in years. I have tried baby steps but my mental health is not stable enough to even commit for an hour a weeks. That is a great source of frustration as I worked 60+ hours a week, nationally and internationally most of my adult life. Work and family were my purpose back then. I don’t have that now. What keeps me here when things go dark is that I don’t want to hurt others, I’ve seen how others hurt when my friend died. But that’s all a far away reason when I don’t feel the world. 
what I’m trying to say is that my little world and reasons to live are very fragile. I don’t have reasons to live for myself. It’s not because I say to myself I’m useless etc and that life doesn’t have to offer me anything… most of the time I just don’t like living with myself. I won’t write about self harm here. It sometimes just distracts the mind, it doesn’t help, it’s just a distraction. I do feel ungrateful for everything I have. I am very lucky and I have everything I need. I don’t live in a war torn country, I live in Australia and we are safe here, even if I feel scared all the time. 
take care @Former-Member 

Thank you @Appleblossom @for chatting to me