@petrichor Hearing you about accessing support in regional Australia.  A lot of what you describe seem to be classic symptoms or responses and reactions to Childhood Sex Abuse.  Negative self loathing feelings are a sign of taking on too much responsibility for the abuser and abusive circumstances.  What has helped me was developing an Interior Castle ... or maybe you would prefer to call it your mancave ... but some inner space that is whole and innocent and good.  When all the spinning slows down, and I get a lot of yoyo-ing and ambivalent uncertainty and paralysis, I started to be able to come back to the inner place of calm.  Sometimes I have mentally picked up paper and rubbish and put it away, from my inner safe place .... Not sure what imagery works for you.  Sometimes it took a few years for the spinning to stop, and so in some ways it can also be PROTECTIVE to be on your own, til you recover and get a handle on things.  It can be your adventurous roaming travelling period ....

@Former-Member So glad you are here with us.

Apple