Hey @outlander  typing through tears tonight cause things are hard, but wanted to encourage you, like others have, to see a psych. I'm not big on words in person either, they are a real struggle for me, but I took the leap late last year and started seeing a psych, can't say I've seen any improvements yet, but I'm glad I started. I'm actually half way through writing her an email. Have been encourage by a helpline to let it all out and be honest about the real struggles and where I'm at, otherwise I won't receive the support I need. Can't hurt can it? 
please consider it hon. You carry so much.