Hey @outlander I am not thinking very clearly this afternoon but will give this reply to your post last night a go...

I am glad to hear your Mum is stepping up on occasions and talking to your Pop when he is being difficult - it is not a burden you should be (or need to) carry alone. In saying that though you need more help than family are presently providing and if it comes to a point where you cannot keep going then those difficult decisions need to be seriously made. I know thst is very complicated and scary with the consequences also for you but the continued abuse, demands and expectations placed on you also hold you back from 'finding' yourself, what you want to do and where you want to go in life. I absolutely acknowledge that all of that is very difficult for you to sort out right now but it all really is something you need to start to do in prearation for the future without your Pop when that time comes. 

I also very much hear your reluctance to see a psych again but you are doing some of that online anyway and the next step is to revisit that in-person support. Those sessions do not need to be looking back, nor do they need to be talking about everything you are dealing with all the time. Focussing on one or two things, learning new ways to deal with them both short term and longer term and working towards goals you can realistically reach would give you both confidence and purpose. 'Recovery' is not about 'being better' - it is about working with what you have to take positive steps forward. For you a lot of that is also tied to your physical health so it is certainly going to be a long road ...but achieveable with the right supports in place. I can say that from personal experience with my own physical issues - but half tha battle is accepting that we have to make changes and putting them in place. It is not easy and certainly does take a lot of work, retraining ourselves in things we can and cannot do but it is also necessary.

What stands out most for me is how tired you are Hon - that really sounds like burnout and needs to be taken seriously by everyone around you. You are not a robot and you cannot continue along this present road - so there really are a lot of very hard decisions that have to be made. They do not all have to be made today though - although looking after you needs to start now. Struggling to get out of bed, sleep all over the place and the constant stress you are under is all no doubt adding to your physical as well as mental wellbeing - and that is overwhelming in itself - you need help and you need support ...and you need to begin to put yourself first ...even just for moments in the day and begin building up from that.

We are all here with you but there is only so much we can do - not taking away at all how important the support from the forum is but also recognising that we are limited here and IRL support is also essential for all of us. Sending you so much love and hugs @outlander You can do whatever it is you choose to do and be whatever you want to be but that has to start with you ...and with the right help to get you started