Thanks @Eve7 ... and others. I ended up in hospital on Monday after doing some things I shouldn’t of. I now have some help, am seeing the community mental health team today and then start with my psychologist on Tuesday. 

I feel like such a failure. I hate that I am back here again and I hate that the people around me know now. I didn’t want my family to know how bad things had got cause they have their own stuff to deal with. Thankful that we managed to keep my daughter out of it though and she doesn’t know where I have been- last thing I need is her telling her father where I have been. 

I’m still not eating or drink much. Nothing to do with body image, everything to do with punishing myself and the one thing that I can control in my life. 

The hospital discharged me on meds that I was on 13 or so years ago. Meds that I never wanted to be on again, but here I am. 

I still fight the monster inside me. Stuck inbetween wanting to go so desperately and staying because of my daughter.