Don’t be fooled by me, 

Don’t be fooled by this mask I wear. 

I wear many, many masks, but none of them really capture the real me, the real me that’s inside. I wear the mask because I am afraid, afraid to take them off, fearing that you may get to know the real me, the me that’s inside. 

Pretending is an art to me, it comes second nature. I am pretending that I am in charge, that I am captain and king. I pretend that I am cool and that my surface is smooth, nothing can touch me, nothing can shake me, I am unshakable. I like to think that I am in control, but please don’t for a moment be fooled, don’t be fooled by this, it’s only a mask. 

Beneath this mask hides the real me. Beneath this mask there is no smugness, no complacent. Beneath this pretend mask dwells the real me, lonely, and in fear. But you don’t know this. I won’t tell you this is all a mask. 

I am frightened by all the possibilities of my flaws and weaknesses, scared that they may creep out between the cracks of my mask, scared that they will be exposed to this world. I think about it all the time, Will I look like a huge fool? Will I be laughed at? Will their laughter hurt? That is why I work so anxiously to built this mask that I hide behind. I bring it out when in relationships with people, to hide the real me. 

It helps me, protects me, and shields me from the hideous glances from the ones that know me. 

But such a simple glance, is precisely my only salvation. It’s my only salvation if somehow the glance is followed by kindness, love and an accepting act. It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself-from my own self-built person, from the barriers, the walls that I have so painstakingly built around me- it’s all to protect me. It’s the only glance that can assure me of what I can not assure myself. And that is to assure me that I really am someone or something. 

But I don’t dare tell you this, I don’t dare, I am to scared too, to scared that your little glance will not be followed by that kind, loving and accepting act. I’m afraid that you will de-grade me, look down upon me and that you will laugh and your laugh will k*ll me. I am scared that deep down I am nothing, that I am no good and worthless. And soon, before long, I am scared you will find out and no longer love me and that I will once again be rejected. 

So I play my game, continue with my desperation with the façade of assurance from within and that of the petrified little child from within my soul.. And life becomes a front.. And I idly chat to you about anything that really doesn’t matter or mean anything. 

And yet I can never tell you about the crying inside me, behind this mask. Can never tell of my greatest hurts, my deepest fears, my great concerns, my triumphs and joys. I can’t tell you any of this, because I am afraid. So please listen carefully, not to what I am saying, but to what I am not saying. 

I dislike this hiding…honestly. I hate this phony, superficial game I am playing. I would really like to be genuine, to allow the real me to show, to be spontaneous, and to be just me! 

But you got to help me, you’ve got to hold out your hand. Even hold it out when it is quiet clear that it is the last thing that I want from you. Hold it out when I seem to just push it away, when I reject your kindness and refuse your assistance. But please do this, because I am going to share something with you, you alone, and something about myself. 

Don’t be fooled by this mask, don’t be fooled by my pretending and certainly don’t be fooled by this anger, with this hatred and plan right rebellion. Don’t be fooled by it for one minute. Its not as it seems, its not anger, it is hurt. 

My mask of anger, it’s easier to bring out and put on than my mask of hurt. It’s easier to pretend this way. 

If you have the power to wipe away this blank, dead stare from this mask, from what lies beneath…Good luck! Long felt hurts make these masks endure. The longer I sit and nurse these hurts, the thicker my mask gets and the harder it becomes to remove. 

But do watch it, because many times when you go to approach me, I may fight back, I may strike back at you. Even if you reach out to me, to accept me, to love me and give me what I have so been longing to find, I may not know the difference, so please be patient. 

I am longing to find my identify, that is what I am looking for, for who I really am, for what lies beneath this thick and heavy mask. Please don’t be fooled by the mask I wear. I AM someone you know, I may even be someone you know very well. 

@BPDSurvivor