I can already feel my anxiety rising this morning and the unpleasant feeling that sits on my chest. I’ve woken to another day in which I don’t want to be here. I don’t know how I face today. I can’t keep doing this. I feel useless, so fake. I live each day with this raging battle deep inside me that only 1 person knows about and I have to mask up and pretend that everything else is fine and dandy around everyone else.

im suppose to go out this morning, a ladies morning tea. I can’t go. I can’t face everyone like this. But my family is expecting me to go, they knows it’s on, i don’t know what to do? Pretend I have woken with a migraine? Leave the house and sit in my car for 5 hrs? Useless waste of space 

and there is church tomorrow. I’m yet to attend a service since we have returned to in person services. I serve, I have responsibilities , I can’t hid forever, but I can’t go. I can’t see people. I can’t go and pretend that everything is ok when it’s not. 

Again I didn’t sleep much last night. I watched the clock for hours, wishing it would stop, frustrated that I couldnt drift off. 

I feel so selfish. Last night I had to run and help catch my dad as he passed out on our drive way. His terminally ill. I felt for him, he didn’t choose this path. If he could choose he would live forever, he loves life, but this is the hand that he has been dealt. And here I am just wanting to die. I’d trade with him. Then maybe suicide would be easier to actually do, people would understand why I want to die and I had a valid reason. See I’m horrible.