Hi @Peri
My age is quite different to yours but i relate alot to you. I also have alot of ups and downs-more downs, struggle with SI and SH all the time too and suffer from anxiety amongst others as well.

I am in my early 20s but to me because of some of the experiences ive had and the roles ive had/have to play it feels like ive lived a lifetime already.Im sorry i dont have to much advice but i wanted to show that your not alone.

Sometimes finding joy is so hard in a monotonous life, i use to love so many things but i struggle to so them or when i do them they feel forced rather then its because i want to do them. Sometimes i like to find some cheap things to do. At the reject shop or similar places they do little kits like dream catcher making or felting activities around xmas time and are often no more then $5 perhaps finding little activities to try out might help abit at least with the boredom. Kmart has lots of little kits to like bracelet making, craft kits, plaster painting and around xmas they have more activities too.