I wrote this long message - ok h here it is ,- 

 I visited this mother, someone I used to know, but I haven't seen her for a year because I feel she is an awful mum to her adult children. 

And - I saw her to remind myself  how easily I could slip into that with my own sons.

My oldest, the 34-year-old, he's smart, finally finding his own path. At 15, my own mum pulled him away, sent him to my brother. We've had years of silence.

Yesterday, 
He sent me a message, basically saying I'm still pushing too hard and being selfish.

Last week, when he visited me, He did tell my therapist he loves me, though, which I'm holding onto.

I get it.

I have my support:

husband,

therapist,

the carers (yeah, they're hit or miss),

my drawing teacher.

So, I apologized and told him I'd back off.
Then, I saw this other mother again. She's telling me who her sons should be with, what they 'need.' It was uncomfortable, but I needed to see it, to feel what it's like to be that parent who can't let go.
She moved on to her daughter, and it was just...

ugh. I needed to see how it messes them up, these adult kids. Because, honestly, a lot of her stuff hits close to home.

My 34-year-old, he's not perfect, but I see now that if I try to rush him, it'll just backfire. He needs to figure this out on his own, break free from his own patterns. He's trying, and I need to let him.

So my youngest son - omg he's the real adult here.

My oldest heaps of years of therapy to my youngest who gets on the phone, tells me off  to stop treating him like a child ........

Tells me he loves me heaps and see you soonish. 

@rav3n @tyme @Oaktree @Former-Member @avant-garde @Appleblossom @Meowmy @Dimity 

Then.....

 I met up with this carer who continuously called and texted me. I met her for coffee so she could have closure. Iv been pulled to pieces whilst she told me - 

Iv made her broke and she has to find more work. 

She never ever said what she said to my husband " how does it feel not to have as much power over ........than I do ?"

She sat there and listed everything iv made her feel for an hour whilst I profoundly apologised. 

That all her family members and friends saw her crying but she never ever would tell them why she was crying. 

A whole hour of apologies.