Active Listening and Assertive Communication

This week, let’s talk about how we listen and speak to others!

Active Listening

Active listening is one of the most important communication skills you have, as how well you listen can determine the quality of your relationships with others. Active listening, however, not only means focusing fully on the speaker but also actively showing verbal and non-verbal signs of listening. It’s important that we listen and show we are listening to others so that others are willing to listen to us.

Active listening skills can include:

• Paying attention.
  While simple, showing signs that you are paying attention for extended lengths of time can be tricky. Paying attention makes use of our non-verbal skills like eye contact, nodding, having upright/alert posture and not fidgeting. It involves being focused on the moment and operating from a place of respect as a listener. While many of us can pay attention to other’s we are interested in and care for, it is easy to forget these non-verbal cues when we are in a conversation with someone we don’t like, or in an argument or upsetting discussion. It’s important to pay attention to everyone we interact with if we want to continue communication with them.
  
  
• Withholding judgement and advice
  Often judgement and advice can come from a good place, we want to help and guide others who may be going through a difficult time or making hard choices. However, providing judgement and advice does not help others if they do not ask for it. When we jump in to give other’s our opinions and try to find solutions we can come across as dismissive and rude, and often our input can be really unhelpful (as we don’t know the ins and outs of others situations!). This can shut down the conversation and cause tension in our relationships. Instead, we must be aware of our own emotional reactions and thoughts, breathe and sit back - withholding judgement and advice until it is requested.
  
  
• Reflecting feelings
  Reflecting feelings means stating any feelings or emotions you hear the other person say or display to demonstrate understanding and acceptance. This is an effective listening/communication skill because it is person-focused, as opposed to giving advice which is self-focused.
  For example:
  Person 1: “I don’t know how to fix this relationship, it’s so frustrating that they just won’t talk to me about our problems! I cry everyday.”
  Person 2: “I can hear how frustrating and upsetting this is for you”
  
  

Assertive Communication

Assertive communication is the ability to express positive and negative ideas and feelings in an open, honest and direct way. It’s important for sharing stories, communicating our needs and boundaries, and constructively confronting and resolving conflict. It also allows us to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions without judging or blaming other people, leading us to build our self-esteem and develop mutual respect with others. Paired with effective verbal and non-verbal skills, assertive communication can make us highly influential on a personal and societal level.

Assertive communication skills can include:

• Using 'I' statements. 
  Using "I" statements takes ownership of our thoughts, feelings and needs, and lets others know our position and boundaries in a respectful, non-accusatory or judgemental way.
  We can do this is by saying:
  - “I feel…” and
  - “I need…”,
  
  and avoiding using “you” like:
  - “You make me feel…”
  - “You need to give me…”, or even
  - “I feel like you are not listening”
  - “I feel that you only do what you want.”
  
  Using “you” does not communicate our feelings and needs, but rather our thoughts and opinions on other’s actions – which can shut down a conversation, and make others defensive and/or dismissive.
  
  Here are some examples of what ‘I’ statements have looked like for me,
  With my partner:
  - “I feel upset and overwhelmed right now, and I need some space before we continue to talk about this.” or
  - “I feel hurt and rejected when there are phone interruptions during dinner. I need quality time without distractions in relationships in order to feel safe and loved.”
  
  With a psychologist:
  - “I feel scared and anxious about touching this subject today, I need to focus on something else”
  - “I feel unheard and ignored when I get advice from others, I just need someone to listen.”
  
  Using “I” statements and putting up boundaries takes practice, as it can be really scary/vulnerable expressing our feelings and needs (I know it is for me!). However, it’s really important to speak with ownership of our thoughts and feelings to have our needs met, protect our wellbeing, foster our relationships with others and create change.
  
  
• Making clear, assertive requests.
  There are multiple types of communication, and therefore multiple ways to make requests. This includes:
  - Aggressive requests: disregarding other’s needs and feelings, and bullying other’s into meeting demands,
  “Since you’re just sitting around all day can you go pick up the groceries?”
  
  - Passive requests: prioritising other’s needs and feelings at our own expense, giving people “outs” and asking in a roundabout way,
  “You seem tired, so I can get the groceries I guess. I have a lot to do but I don’t want to burden you. I would appreciate it if you could, but up to you I guess”
  
  - Assertive requests: considers and respects our own needs and the needs of others, is straightforward and leaves room for compromise.
  “Will you please pick up the groceries when you’re free?”
  
  Having a healthy regard for other’s rights does mean that we won’t always get what we want. Assertive requests put forth our needs and wants first but leaves room for discussion. It is important for us to communicate this way to reduce confusion, resentment and conflict, and reach a point where we and the other person can both be satisfied. It’s a real skill! 
  
  

For the community to reflect on:

1. What is a barrier to active listening for you?
2. What is a barrier to assertive communication for you?
3. What are some other active listening and assertive communication skills that you know and practice?

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