Morning @cloudcore @Shaz51 @Powderfinger @LostAngel @NatureLover ..... anyone else

around 👋

Sorry, this is an essay, but I have learned a lot in this direction so I hope it's helpful to others here.

I had to learn, and fast, how to shore up

my boundaries when I married into a family whose members didn't respect them ...... the problem was that they had appeared to be be so close and loving and inclusive of me in the beginning that I had let my boundaries down, thinking that they were safe relationships to invest in.  Not only was the information and ideas I shared with them used to identify my weaknesses and create double-binds, when I did re-establish boundaries or create new ones, they just walked all over them and made fun of me in the process.

Cutting myself off from them wasn't an option because it would have cost me my marriage (gone now anyway, but not until after I had raised my children) but the potential to use my children as pawns was huge and would, I believe, have been much more damaging than what eventuated.  Demonstrating to my kids how to face up to the challenge was not only important then, but also now, where they are being used as pawns, but it is up to them to apply their own boundaries, which they are with mixed success ...... it's a work in progress.

My tips are:

Establish whether having a healthy sit-down discussion and arriving at agreements about  situation where you feel boundaries are not being respected is going to be fruitful, or a complete waste of time, perhaps setting you up for worse outcomes.  If it's workable, this is best case scenario 💕

If not, most people who don't respect boundaries are what I refer to as 'transactional people', meaning that they will only respect boundaries if there is something in it for them, or it's not worth their while to challenge them.  You can generally identify these people because they tend to throw tantrums in reaponse to boundary-setting, or become vindictive, perhaps in passive-aggressive ways.

It is your prerogative to simply ignore any unwanted responses, and shoring your your ability to do that is a very helpful thing to practice.

Also, I rthink commend practicing in your mind (role-playing) how to politely and firmly request that a known boundary be respected, or outline a new boundary, without going into any lengthy explanation about why you feel it's necessary.

If the boundary is not respected, coolly and politely removing yourself is the most effective approach I have found.  If you are visiting someone else's house or a public place, just pack up and leave, stating that you feel it's time you went.   This is harder if the 'offenders' are at your place, but you can get up from sitting and start tidying up, packing away, doing dishes, etc and giving them every indication that it is time for them to go.  Any push-back can be met with, "thank you for spending the time with me, but I really must start to get on with other things now ....."

Keeping a cool but polite emotional distance is the best defence I have found, because it is hard to attack or criticise politeness, and you don't owe anybody your confidence and attention.  It's a gift you can feeely give, or not.

@Zoe7