Thank you @CannonSalt @PeppiPatty and @Former-Member for replying. I started crying when I saw your pics against the thread topic. ... gratitude.

not able to see yet ... too overwhelmed. Not sure whether I should go to choir tonight but I missed last week.

I thought hiding behind Sylvia Plath was not being direct then I realised with horror that @lisajane still had littlies .

The issue is that I have been plagued with it for so long in so many ways it is tied up in so much of my thinking now.  I dont want to influence others wrongly.. but need supportive adult company about it ... not to be always mindful to protect my kids from my fears ... my son just entered as I was crying ... I think he realised .. though I responded to him brightly about his dinner and his day ... he quietly closed the door on me .. thats ok.