Hi @Appleblossom

yes, you are right, although i am finding being at home lately so restrictive, repulsive, i want to get out but can't, so frustrating.

i work of a morning to help eleviate some of my anxiety, but i am like you, i a constant state of panic/anxiety.  it is starting to take a toll on my health, mum has to check her blood pressure everyday and i have been checking mine when i am having a panic attack, it can jump from 120/80 to 150/110 and sometimes more.  it is so tiring being like this.  the medication seems to be having less of an effect.

i understand, when my father was little his mother worked in a coal mine in Germany, they ate cabbage and potatoe soup for every meal, and for a treat he used to get a peice of bread with lard and sugar sprinkled on top.  i get my worst panic attacks at the thought of being away from home.

i am so sorry to hear about your familys troubles, it must be and have taken a huge toll on your mental wellbeing.  i understand how hard life can be after being abused,  was physically abused at 9 when i was at a christian primary school, i was locked in a classroom and force fed by a nun.  i am glad their is some comfort for the many hundreds, if not thousands of abuse victems, it may not give them closure, but a sense of a weight being lifted.

oh no i have i have only had critisism from one cousin, the rest i don't think know about my situation,  i have not spoken to them in 14 years, i have only had close contact with the one, that was 2007 so i didn't mean they saw me as a loser, i was just saying i compair myself as a loser to them, they have all done so well for themselves and i am very proud of them.

i know from an age point i am still young, but i know that i will never overcome the seperation anxiety,  i fear the outside world and people.  i don't see that changing any time in the medium future.  i have given up on happyness a long time ago,  i just have to endure life as best i can......

Yes i havve a lot of mums family telling me i am intelligent, computer knowledge, general skills, but my fear of being away from mum overnight in a rural town it is impossible for me to get a job, bacause of where i live i would have ot travel overnight which i cannot do.  i know my skills are wasted, mum and her family i think are so devestated to see the way i live.  but i can't see a way around it.

Take care

Jacques