@hanami @Appleblossom @fluffylight  @Jynx @NatureLover 

I have a telehealth appointment with my trusted gp at 10:50 (eastern) this morning and I get quite anxious talking to him at the moment. It is coming out of my pocket because I have not seen him in the flesh for over six months.

The last time I left the house was to take my wife to a temple in the city to pray for the Tet in January (she is not a confident driver). I really shouldn't have driven as I felt like I was dissociating the whole time. Sometimes I will stand out in the backyard for 15 minutes but it is uncomfortable and never gets easier.

My brain is slowly recovering from years of CNS depression from meds. Doing tasks requiring manual dexterity is challenging. Tasks like washing the dishes take a heap of concentration and are intense. This is only slightly getting easier and I force myself to do it and all of the housework. I do hope that Neuroplasticity is doing its thing.   

The nurse practitioner has let my psychiatrist know that I had a bad time in the public hospital and now I guess the cat is out of the bag. I trust these people and have known them for over 4 years - just could never talk about what happened.

My psychiatrist wants me to come back to a private MH hospital that I was comfortable in (as comfortable as you can be in) before I ceased ben*os.

This is all so hard on my wife. She is alone here in a different country, although she has made many friends here. My dad sadly passed away from cancer at age 57 and it destroyed my nuclear family unit. Something that is difficult handle to for her as a Viet, where family is everything. I have not spoken to my mum for over 2 years. 

She has solely looked after me since I started tapering my meds two years ago. I have destroyed her life as she left a stable career as a practice manager OS to move over here. When I have been really unwell, I told her to leave me and return to her family and forget about me. This was quite a while ago now but I quite often feel this way because I destroyed my previous partner's life and don't want to hurt anyone else. The reason I stopped the medication merry-go-round is because of my love for her though.

MH is not discussed in Vietnamese culture and is seen as a huge stigma still. Part of me wants to go to hospital but I don't know what good it will do. The doc will probably offer anti-psychs but I do not want to take anything anymore.

My wife will be alone and depressed if I go in and will not reach out to anyone for help. It is also an extremely arduous journey to come and visit me.

What is the point of going to a private hospital if I am only going to stress about my wife?

Thanks for reading this and I hope that you all have a great day. 😊