@fluffylight @NatureLover @Appleblossom 

It is Monday morning now and I still can't bring myself to call someone about this subject.

I don't know if what I am dealing with is PTSD because it happened so long ago. Even though it leads to several attempts to exit this world, which is lead to where I am today. I don't want to go down the path of self-diagnosis.

Stopping my medication  was the best thing I ever did but it has 'awoken' my brain again to unpleasant memories. Sometimes I will cry in the shower and after that, I will be okay. Honestly, I can say that I do not feel depressed (been clinical before).

I'm scared that talking about what happened will flattern me like nothing else.

Sometimes I want to write it down and just show it to my psychiatrist so that I don't have to explain it. I'm a fairly analytical person, so this seems to be the best approach. 

This situation feels like my fault because I did not speak up about it.

Sorry, I am rambling a bit now.