Hi @New2BPD ,

I had a time when I felt I was in the same position as you are now - severely depressed, could not sleep, empty, lost. I was at such a low point that no amount of talking therapy made a difference. I never thought I would make it through this low period because I wanted a 'reset' but didn't know how.

This is where antidepressants made a difference. After trialling many different antidepressants, it was finally an SSRI which worked for major depressive disorder. I have also known other people with depression stemming from BPD be prescribed SSRIs. Only when my depression was seen to and I was more stable, could I begin psychotherapy to improve the symptoms of BPD. Adding to this, I was also given meds to aid sleep because at that point, for days I could not sleep and this was affecting my  MH. During this time, I would not even have considered meditation or relaxation because my depression and insomnia required medical intervention.

@New2BPD , I am not sure where you reside, but an important part of my recovery was done in PARCs (prevention and recovery centres). Every few months, I had a 'reset' by attending PARCs. This prevented the need for hospital admissions. PARC consisted of an approximately 4week stay with other residents. Education groups would be run each day to support recovery. Each client is allotted a key worker to work with them during their stay and there is 24 hour support. PARCs played a major role in my recovery. They are government funded, and while you were there, you are seen by  a clinician and psychiatrist. Here, it was not only the clinical care which made a difference, but the opportunity to meet other people who also had MH struggles. For the first time in my BPD history, I was able to be myself. I practised communicating my feelings for the first time with other residents. For my entire life, feelings were never spoken about - it was taboo.

I'm not sure if you have any other questions, but without PARCs as a retreat, I would not be here today. For over two years, I worked with my treating team, so that when I knew there was a rough patch coming up, I would be referred to PARC. My last admission to PARC was March this year, and I now, I feel I have come far enough in my recovery not to have to go back. It is now that I can appreciate and work with meditation a lot more.

As my treating team always tell me, it is not wise to start practising meditation when you are in the depths of despair. It is something that you start learning and practising when you are 'well' so that when crisis strikes, you are able to more effectively use the meditation techniques. 

I hope this makes sense @New2BPD .

Also, Hugs @BlueBay . I hear you.

BPDSurvivor