Hi @BPDSurvivor 

The first time I saw the words 'Borderline Personality Disorder' was in a referral a pyschologist wrote.  He was referring me to a psychiatrist for medication.  I opened up his referral letter because i wanted to see what he wrote.  That's where i saw the words BPD.  I had no idea what it meant, what did I have; what was going to happen to me, what is happening to me, what will the future hold.  I did not know.

I was 45 years old when I was diagnosed with BPD.  As well as depression, anxiety, complex post traumatic stress (from childhood sexual abuse) this was all scary for me.

I started to google BPD and came across a book called 'Get me out of here, recovery from BPD' by Rachel Reiland.  I decided to purchase the book.  Reading this i could see myself in the behaviours and traits of BPD.  I was more or less reading a book about me.

It was recommended to me by a psychologist that i try DBT (dialetical behaviour therapy) as this is very well known therapy for BPD sufferers. I did a whole year of very intense therapy, one on one with a psychologist then group therapy.  I was very emotionally and phsycially drained by the end of each week.  It was a private clinic and it was very expensive.  

I did learn things but to be honest a lot of it went over my head.  It felt like i could never change, my thoughts and mind wouldn't change to how it was recommended.  I did complete the 12 months of therapy.

To me personally BPD has really opened my eyes into my behaviour, my very negative thoughts.  I can see a lot of what I do to be BPD traits.

I am still scared for the future, as I don't know if I will recover or can recover.  

To be honest again, i haven't explained it to my husband or adult children.  They know about my childhood sexual abuse, my depression and anxiety.  But they don't know exactly about my BPD, let alone how i am in 'crisis' sometimes and seek help.

At the moment, i really struggle with abandonment, rejection, attachment  and boundaries.  I have been abandoned and rejected a few times (parents and psychologist).  It's the worst feeling ever, to be rejected and left.  I might go into detail later with this one (if you want to know more).

Self soothing is hard at times, although i am startingn to use this to help myself instead of contacting my GP all the time to help me soothe.  Again this is an attachment issue and i am trying, with his help.

I do have an amazing GP who understands BPD.  He knows it's not really me when I rant and rave or threat a suicide or self harm.  He knows it's the BPD talking.  He is very supportive and is learning to understand me and BPD a lot more.  He has put boundaries in place (which i didn't like at the start) but now understand why he has.

i don't know what else to write, pls let me know if there is anything else.  more than happy to write more.

BB xxx