Hi @Crushedreed 

How are things with you today? 

I wonder whether you have reached a place where things are now calm between you and your wife? 

It can be really difficult to try to manage someone else's behaviours, particularly when the dynamic is entrenched, as you say. Really, we can only manage our own and try to place healthy boundaries that can protect our own wellbeing. 

I'm wondering whether professional counselling might be something you both might consider to help heal the relationship? Rather than thinking about labels, although this might be helpful for personal treatment, it might be useful to start to tease out the dynamics between you and the root of any issues? It can be helpful to approach it as a positive to rebuild, ie a new level of the relationship.