Hi @Ru-bee 

thanks for your response. Re discuss with my wife about patterns. That’s one area I’m struggling with. 

we have extremely differing views. It’s a real mind bender. I raised concerns in the past, and it escalated to her being convinced that I have NPD and extremely abusive man. She denies saying this, after I make changes…. then accuses me, and the cycle goes again. 

She is used to me absorbing her treatment for the past 10years. It’s entrenched in our dynamic. She is so sensitive that if I deviate to what she says, it’s a complete meltdown with cries of abuse (for example, cleaning the kitchen without her permission). 

Perhaps you’re right, that I still need to communicate my intentions despite my fears of protest. 

the book I referred to earlier clearly stated not to express my concerns she might have BPD. But, I still can express what im doing, without mentioning this. 

I’ll use the books method of DEAR (describe, express, assert, reaffirm) to describe the pattern, express my feelings, assert what I will and won’t do… then reaffirm every time there is a protest. 

I feel sorry for my wife to experience such severe abuse (in her experience) and experience such severe abandonment fears to stay in relationship. It’s a real double bind for her. It’s clear things will get worse as I make changes, I do hope it leads to better outcomes for both in the long run. 

I’ll let you know how that goes… I might wait until this episode clears…. I usually not want to rock the boat and enjoy the temporary peace while it’s there, but I’ll try push through to express myself. 

Pls let me know if there are gaps in my approach.