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@Former-Member , thank you so much for taking the time to write. I am sorry today is not a good day. Hopefully the weekend brings some rest, relaxation and healing. 🫂
I never thought I would say this about my childhood...but as I have grown older, learnt about trauma, become a parent and learnt about parenting...I guess my childhood wasn't as good as I thought. It was a bit lonely as my sister rarely played with me and we weren't given conflict resolution skills. How is it that I don't remember my parents hugging me? We kiss as a cultural greeting, that's normal but i can't remember a single hug as a kid. I am sure i had them...but why can't i remember warm and fuzzy moments as a kid? I remember them hugging me at my uni graduation and wedding so why can't i remember it as a child? When my Dad disciplined us (tell us off over something) when we were kids he would say "lower your eyes when I am talking to you". It seemed like a sign of respect at the time but now I realise it's so wrong. I would never do that to my kids. And yet he has been a good Dad and progressed . He grew up with us. However, somehow the last chat we had where he blamed me for my sister's rejection of me left a cut in my heart and it hurts. It really makes me not want to say anything anymore. My Mum, I used to be able to tell her everything and now I also feel silenced. I don't know what is happening with me but I can feel the distancing between us. Am I just turning into my husband and just protecting myself? I seem to be going into myself. It's really weird and strange and the support network I though I had is crumbling.
I hope this therapy for my husband works. I also read it may not be as effective for ptsd so that worries me but if he feels comfortable then it is not my place to tell him whether it is right or wrong.
The truth is, I feel as lonely as I did when I was a kid. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Thank you for your kind words and holding my hand. I too wish I could hug you and just cry my heart out. Love to you my friend ❤️
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