Lived Experience Forum

[Kiki16]

Soooo I have a friend and ex partner who both share similiar qualities in the sense they both don’t provide alot of reassurance and I kinda need that and they lack compassion. Anyways it’s my friend’s birthday today and I feel bad because I didn’t go - she said she’d love for me to go but I said I was not feeling 100%. She didn’t ask if I was okay etc or what was wrong.

I understand she may be upset I didnt go. I have $10 in my bank currently and also feeling on the high end of anxiety.

i have my ‘safe’ people who I can be around when I am on my high end and other people can trigger me easily and the people going can trigger me easily to have a panic attack. Not to mention I started a new medication today too. So I feel bad for not going. But also this particular friend I have to be in the right mental state to be around because they can be quite negative and they also have bpd and can encourage me to alcohol abuse - many of my other friends try to help stop my substances and I feel as though this particular person is an enabler. I feel awful saying these things but I am wondering is it time to let this person go? And I don’t think I should be feeling/ thinking this way about a friend if  the connection was 100% genuine. I just don’t know how to cut it off and also like I feel like it’s hard to because I am attached and my abandonment wounds and we’ve been friends for soooo many years.

please help and let me know if I am not alone in thinking/ feeling this wag.

my other friends I dont feel this way with at least I havent in a very. Long time and I feel like it’s my intuition anyways v overwhelmed right now. And trying to stop drinking as well! It’s all alot.

[tyme]

Hey @Kiki16 ,

Thank you for posting. It sounds like a tough space to find yourself. It is understandable that you don't feel comfortable going to your friends birthday today. It's good to hear that you have reflected on your own mental state and made the decision to protect yourself- this is totally okay.

As for your question about whether it's time to let her go. I'm wondering whether you can name the qualities you see in her in the first place? Was there anything that drew you to her in the first place? 

Having a large group of friends doesn't mean you have to see them ALL THE TIME. You may lean on some when you want light hearted banter, and you may lean on others when you want a shoulder to cry on. It's totally okay to have a range of friends.

I have BPD, and I know first-hand how hard it is to shake off addictions. If this friend is not the best influence for you right now, then yes, maybe it's good to stay away a bit. But this doesn't mean you have to drop her altogether. 

The bottom line is, what is it that draws you to this friend? If there really isn't anything, then yes, re-consider whether you'd still call her a friend.

Friendships fluctuate - it's normal and it's totally okay.

You have to look after yourself first.

[Kiki16]

Thank you for the reflective questions and understanding. I wish my friend would be more understanding, but I also cannot expect that! 

I honestly think it’s mostly attachment as sad as that is and I love her kids alot! Also when I am in a depressive state I can be myself around her and she is very chill. I don’t think there are alot of qualities I like within her as sad as that is. I love her career aspirations and goals and think she is very chill which I love.

Yes and I feel as though putting on a mask today especially when it’s my day off I really don’t want to force it. And I want her to have a good day! Not me being anxious etc and make it about me without meaninng to ya know.

I think often she has impacted my recovery and doesn’t quite understand it because she herself struggles with addiction she just doesnt call it that or accept it as that. So isn’t very beneficial for me to be around when drinking often. I am currently trying to stop again. 

Thanks for the questions and clarity surrounding it. I appreciate it alot. I have surrounded myself with very understanding friends over the last couple of years so having friends she is an old friend who isn’t understanding etc but toxic not necessarily her but just the relationship I have distanced myself from alot of people who are. Because I know for me if I am honest I can be toxic because of my addiction, mental health etc so need to be around people who arent going to enable and who are going to hold me accountable but also understand that it’s my mental health. And I am getting help for all of this btw 

[tyme]

I'm glad to hear you are getting the help you need @Kiki16 

I love my sister's kids. Kids make me feel comfortable and I don't feel threatened by then. I think that's why I spend so much time with kids.

If you feel it's time to move on, allow yourself to be distanced from her. You may go back to her in later years, but for now, it sounds like she won't be helpful towards your recovery.

BPD recovery is so so hard. I distanced myself from EVERY ONE i knew and even moved states in order to heal. Now that I'm better, I am more equipped to go back to my previous loved ones. Whereas in the past, I made it hell for everyone.

Good on your for giving things a go and being willing to make changes to aid your recovery. It takes a huge amount of strength in itself.

Please take care.

[freshstart]

Hi OP,

One thing I have found recently (with my husband, though, so obviously a closer relationship) is that he actually likes to hear about things that I thought he might get upset over. He wants to further the relationship with me and actually has welcomed input from me about how I feel about things, even when I feel like my emotions are "negative" towards him. AKA "vulnerability" on both our parts. 

I feel like you could at least give your friend the chance to hear your side of things. 

How to do this? 

The best idea I've heard of lately (from a Facebook ad from a communication/relationship expert) is to "Connect First; Communicate Later". Make sure you're not triggering your friend's amygdala-based fight/flight response (we all have it). Think about how you like to connect with your friend when it is working, I think. It's probably a process and don't feel like you need to tell your friend anything you don't want to. 

I hope this helps. I feel like you have a lot to offer as a friend. You have shown excellent insight into your feelings on the matter and I also feel like your friend's kids would benefit from having you in their lives. Do it for the next generation! LOL

All the best and let us know how it goes, if you feel like it. I'm curious to know whether my experiences have any validity in other people's lives. 

Kerry