Lived Experience Forum

[LD_91]

Hi all,

I am new here to chat with anyone who would like to listen, offer any advice, coping strategies or just have an ear to listen.

I am 32, going through my second depressive episode.

My first I was 23 - single, was able to move back home, go on leave from work and fully focus on my recovery. Once I recovered, I never looked back. I just pretended it never happened - the 6 months I spent in the spare room at my parents, the numerous doctor, psychologist & psychiatrist appointments & the 6 week stay at a private mental health facility.

Since then, I have a partner whom I have been with for 8 years, and a little 3 year old boy who I adore & would do anything in the world for! Looking back on last year, I had some triggers - a close friend passed away, stressed and overloaded at work with a lazy manipulative boss, my partners alcoholism (functional alcoholic), raising a little one whilst working 4 days a week. All of that combined & it all came crashing down again.

First was the panic attacks, then came the avoidance due to the panic attacks, then came the depression - more & more avoidance & depression until I was hardly functioning at all. I had no tools or resources from my first experience because I had ‘pretended it never happened’ & I guess in a way never thought it would happen again.

Recovery this time has been extremely hard, I am on sick leave from work but still have the main care giver role at home. A very energetic 3 year old who loves his Mummy & wants every minutes of our waking attention. 

How do you recover & heal when all the energy you have (not much) goes into your little person? 

I ended up admitting defeat after an attempted suicide when my little one was at daycare & am currently admitted to the same mental hospital I was 9 years ago. I feel so much guilt, failure, disappointment this time around.

I feel I have failed as a mother, and feel sorry for my little boy that he doesn’t have a strong resilient Mum. He’s not abandoned, he’s with my partner (who is not drinking) and if she chooses to, he is staying at one of my sisters. We FaceTime everyday & he visits regularly while I’m admitted.

Once I am back on board with my recovery journey, I need to be more self aware. It’s highly likely this is going to happen again, and I can’t let it eat me alive like it has these last two times. I need some early warning signs, some ‘triggers’ to watch for.

Thanks for listening, any advice, comments or just a hello would be welcome 🙂 

[Captain24]

Hi @LD_91 

Welcome to the forums. 

Im sorry you have been through so much and are going through it again. It sounds like your family is supportive.

But I did take a bonus out of it is that you have learnt some triggers that you maybe able to notice in the future. 

Take time for yourself to recharge and reset. 

Im sorry I don’t have anything else to offer other than just a listening ear. 

[Maz7]

Hello, I am so pleased that you are safe and the fact that you are and you are receiving some support is proof that you are resilient - you will learn many skills from the very uncomfortable experience and these skills you will take forward in your life, it will mean a healthier you and a much more responsive parent. Parenting is the most amazing journey but we can not do it alone, ask for help when you need it, prioritise your needs (very difficult to do!) surround yourself with other parents who have children of similar age. As a Mum it is very easy to think that you have to be everything all at once all of the time. You are human 🙂 Sounds like situational situations that lead to overwhelm, obviously managing what we can control is important as is understanding that we cannot control everything, best wishes for a wonderful future with more strength, wisdom and skills 🙂

[Eve7]

Hello and welcome to the forums @LD_91  I hope you find support here as there are plenty of members with lived experience willing to be around for you.

I have depression too and yes, it’s really hard to get through these episodes but you’ve done it before and by accepting help you will get through it again.

Please don’t be too hard on yourself and be assured your little one will still love you unconditionally. 

[PracticallySane]

If you are getting the right treatment, you must practice the processes of problem-solving which trigger your depression. You are beating yourself up for no reason whatsoever. This is a trait response if you are unaware that traits are emotions which flood you to do stupid stuff but be switched on to why you are doing this and yell out STOP to yourself when you sabotage that behaviour. Recognise what is happening. Internalise and ask yourself, what am I avoiding or trying to preserve? Use a piece of paper to write down your feeling like you are writing a letter to yourself, then tear it up and throw it away. Discard the fear, replace it with why's. Why is this happening? Why do I feel this way? You are seeking solution not to the feeling right now but the premonition which get you to this point. What starts this process needs rectification and a different approach.

Being in hospital is a reason for getting help. But it isn't a resting spot. You must strive to engage that fear which creates all the crap you are burning out on. It's bloody scary, but running away just wastes time, and you won't ever get better denying or not doing what is needed. Remember that practising mindfulness every day helps everyday forward. Failure to do just some of the simplest things gets you going round in circles, thinking sorry for yourself. Nobody fixes your suffering except you. This means you have a duty to your child to be able to cope and not be preoccupied by fear or other crisis you feel in emotion and mental sickness.

Do a lot better by getting on with conscious focus, not judging your state of affairs and engage control of your mind to be present, engage a balance to extinguish triggers and think logically so that you notice your behaviours, thoughts and feeling properly. Don't ever be impulsive or frivolous, as this is a depression trigger.

Some things which help reduce depression are Yoga, Tai-Chi, Listening and practising mindfulness therapy, doing a household chore which is more like exercise and meditation which calms thoughts.