Lived Experience Forum

[fc616]

Hi everyone, this is my first time ever reaching out and speaking in this way but have reached a point where I'm feeling totally trapped. A little long so apologies in advance.

I'm 34(m) and have never really looked after my mental health at all and things came to a breaking point a few weeks ago in my relationship of almost a year and broke up with her for the 5th time (not truly intentional because the emptiness now is overwhelming). We are talking but not like we used to and she's told me she doesn't know for sure yet if the relationship is something she can continue so I'm doing all I can to try and understand this despite my constant long walks in tears wondering what she's doing or who she might be replacing me with already. 

I should go back a little as the reason I'm here now, my relationship and past ones have always been the only thing giving me meaning to continue despite treating my partners so poorly at times. Always a whirlwind and fast paced. My current partner (hopefully) and one prior had suggested I may be bipolar 2 so in desperation this time to try and not lose my partner I booked a doctors appointment and saw a psychologist right away. She right away suggest I see a psychiatrist to get a diagnosis of bipolar 2 possibly.

I read up and watched everything I could on bipolar 2 and then I heard a Dr describe the difference between bipolar 2 and BPD and every alarm bell went off. I can truly and safely say 8 of the 9 are a perfect fit. I've been engaged, divorced even moved country after a bad break up to find a new meaning and something to fill the empty amongst some other crazy stories, particularly with romantic partners.

I truly want help and have reached out to my psychologist about getting an earlier appointment due to these overwhelming feelings and was having a particularly rough day (I even called the sane phone number today to try calm myself) and have yet to get a response. I'm currently waiting to get a call from Call to Mind to speak to a psychiatrist and get a diagnosis, which I'm also paranoid about getting the wrong one.

I know DBT is a good way to treat BPD and have heard its not an easy thing either.

Just feeling really hopeless as my girlfriend has also had a previous partner and friends with BPD and they are no longer in her life I really want to change that. Most of the things I read and see online are also horror stories which gives little hope.

[NatureLover]

Hi and welcome, @fc616 , it's good to have you here 🙂

Well done for seeking professional help. 

I am going to tag @tyme  and @BPDSurvivor  who both have great insights into BPD and MIs (mental illnesses) in general.

You can also type anything (e.g. BPD, Bipolar 2) into the Search bar above to find threads on that topic.

Also, a handy forum tip to tag someone is to type @ and then click on their name in the drop-down box - that way they'll get a notification that you've replied to them.

[StanD]

Hello @fc616 

As @NatureLover said, Well Done ✅ reaching out here. You have been extremely brave.

I'm sorry you are going through this, & I'm also seeing lots of positives & hope.

It's like you have reached an 'intersection' in your life, except this time, you are beginning to have awareness.

The person in your life, is clearly important to you. 

I think what you are doing is really brave. 

I can empathize that none of this easy.

My experience with MH (mental health) is that there are no easy answers, or easy fix. (Yes, it really sux!)

Try not to listen to the horror stories. Perhaps type in success stories?

I am no one to give advice - all day long, my anxiety tells me horror stories. I don't even notice, unless psychologist, or other person makes me aware.

I wanted you to know that I can truly recognise the desperation in your post. 

You remind me so much of me. I put all my focus into doing all the right things to help myself, as best I can.

I guess you could look at it - (attempt! I know it's really difficult) - that your partner, has not said a definite 'no'.

A good partner, the one that is right for you, will stand by you & support you in your MH journey.

Having said that - if you are not caring for your partner, & you know that your MH is contributing to this, abuse of any kind is UNNACEPTABLE.

I think maybe, this is where counselling & therapies can support you, to help you maybe learn different coping strategies. 

You can have heathy relationship!💕 It is possible. I want to believe this. I must - For both of us.

Your person actually sounds amazing!

That must also be a reflection on you😊

Stay positive.

There is heaps of support on here. 

Awesome work so far. Keep going 👍👍👍

[WildRiver]

Hey @fc616 

It's really great that you reached out! Sometimes it can be so hard to ask for help, especially if you are going through what sounds like a really intense relationship breakdown. 

First thing - You are not alone!!! 

I have been diagnosed with BPD since I was in my teenage years, now nearly 21(F) and have experienced very similar things. I also had a period of my life where doctors couldn't decide between bipolar or BPD - so I definitely here you there!

My advice, is if you have a good relationship with your GP, go and see them! Ask them to refer you to a mental health service! Sometimes GP's are great because they (hopefully) have known us for a while! 

Psychiatrists won't diagnose you in the first session, and maybe not even the second session. Although this was frustrating to me in the first instance, I understood that they had my whole lives worth of events and emotions to learn about, and this made me feel more comfortable with a diagnosis they may or may not make as they have actually taken the time to look at the full situation, not just presenting emotions. 

I have done DBT, and DBT has honestly saved my life! Whilst it doesn't work for everyone, it certainly was helpful for me. Yes - DBT can be expensive. However, your GP or local emergency department can refer you to the outpatient acute mental health team in most cases where you can be given free support. 

The fact you are reaching out for help should be a big sign for you that you are not like any of the BPD horror stories you may have read (they are pretty bad - I agree). Your willingness to seek help and better yourself is so amazing, and whilst yes, your relationship breakdown may have caused some distress - you wanting to better yourself is the first step to healthy relationships with others! 

You can't pour from an empty cup! 

Chat soon! 

- WildRiver 🙂 

[tyme]

Hey @fc616 ,

I'm also a borderline. Just like @WildRiver , I've been through the mill and am in a really really good place now. I can't say it was an easy journey, but it's certainly one I don't regret - not one bit.

BPD has been an incredible teacher for me. It's taught me what true contentment is, what's important to me, more about people and more about myself. 

Having BPD is not a life sentence. Effective therapy for BPD is certainly not easy - but then again, anything that is outside our comfort zone often isn't easy and requires effort and persistence. For me, I mainly had intense MBT (mentalisation based therapy) and it's been the most helpful thing ever. It's a longer therapy with both individual and group sessions each week. It's a huge commitment but absolutely worth it!

Just reach out from your comfort zone and keep going. Things will improve. @fc616 

[fc616]

Thank you all for the kind words. It does help to know I'm not the only one who has these same thoughts and feelings. I'm looking forward to getting into either DBT or similar and i will look into MBT also a little more as I'm still waiting to speak with a psychiatrist and hopefully get a diagnosis soon.

I do feel that same frustration wanting a diagnosis but that's very true.

After reading these (in tears on the stairs inside my house) it does give me some hope but sadly today has been yet another rough one. I cannot stop checking my girlfriends socials and noticed that she had taken down a slide in one of the posts that was in relation to us so that sent me spiraling (i don't think she views us as together right now but that's too much for my brain to handle).

I have work to get done today but i work and edit video from home so I'm stuck at the mercy of finding my phone in my hand every 5 minutes once again making sure she hasn't changed more of her profile or even changed her relationship status. That's something i know I'm not prepared for and wont be able to handle. 

While writing this she text me bringing up an old post of mine and accusing me of lying about the timeline and story of a past relationship. This story I truly have never lied to her about and the post makes zero sense as when I went to find it, it didn't exist. I sent her a screen recording scrolling through and of course she didn't believe me at all. I then once again went through the whole story because it's always been the same and was met with cold replies and still the same distrust about the timeframe of things based on a post that isn't even there. I definitely have had moments of distrust and jealousy where I brought that ex up and have realized now how awful and hurtful that was to her and have profusely apologized but even that was turned around as me just admitting to hurting her on purpose where as this was not the truth. I had since also fixed all of that (or tried my best) and have had zero contact or anything in the slightest to the point i hadn't thought about her until this was brought up again. I know I hurt her and caused this distrust but now being honest isn't working either

I'm hoping my night doesn't end with a break up and so sorry for a long rant I have found typing this out to be helpful in itself and again thank you all for the kind words and it's really helpful to know there is a way to ease this and mostly that there's others who feel this intensely too.

It's also been really helpful to read others stories and experiences with this I hope it gets better for us all.

[tyme]

I'm glad to read that it has been helpful even just sharing what's been going for you @fc616 . We don't always have the answers but at least we can sit in the space together. 

You are definitely not alone. BPD has been part of my life for many years.

All the best and I hope ot hear from you tomorrow.

Kindest, tyme