Lived Experience Forum

[Tight-Control]

Hi all,

I have been digging into EQ/EI recently to find yet more tools to pop in my tool kit to help me live as good a life as I can. ( yes this varies at times and also my belief in that fluctuates as well).

I have found really good research pout of Yale on Emotional Intellegence which has helped , especially the Mood Meter ..and understanding how this works to give more precise words and language around feelings.

It was also helpfull in using some of the more negative moods in a constuctive way..ie feeling angry and engergetic..thats the time to write to politicians or get information and protest about an issue , use that drive and anger in a just way to take on what ever pissed you off in the first place.

Using low energy but feeling chilled is not the time to do this but maybe the time to analysis and check how you are going , use the moods fooks dont let the moods use you..

PS It dont work all the time but hey what does ...Even Hawthorn didnt make this years grandfinal..( as a supporter i didn't know what to do with myself)

[Sehnsucht]

Hi @Tight-Control,

What brought you to read on EQ/EI?  I'm curious!

Yes, I do find reading on these things invaluable.  But the only reason I came across the concepts, is when I was faced with a defiant toddler that I could sense was anxious and confused, not 'naughty' or malicious. I read a parenting book... and while I had a broad understanding of EQ before (because, becoming a parent), it wasn't until I read this book that I realised just how relevant it was to perhaps seek people to validate my feelings. I grew up rarely having that. And sadly, never when I was faced with problems and emotional response that reallly needed that safe space to work through.

What I get out of reading on these things, is that it is ok to be angry!! It is ok to become so overwhelmed that I am scared and everything in sight is seen as a tool for self-harm. I am not being dramatic, I am not manipulative, I am not being intentionally hurtful to others, it isn't a planned tactic.  It is just a very heightened fight or flight reaction that I have!  I cannot control those hormones!  Those hormones are why I have my whole life spent times of distress stomping, punching, all of my body, wherever I can, against walls.  It is adrenaline trying to do what adrenaline does, but in the absence of a saber tooth tiger, it has gotten confused with me thinking others or more frequently, myself, the enemy. And in mistaking this, comes the shame and guilt and questioning whether I am a manipulative drama queen that can't just solve shit for myself, that I'm seeking to blame rather than just problem solve.

Now I can label my distress for what it is, even if it is so bad that i'm physically attacking myself, I can just be in that moment and I see that it will pass, I don't need to reevaluate my whole life or sense of self, just work this crap out of my system.
And once it's worked itself gone, I can problem solve more rationally. Apologise where I have hurt, and add that stress trigger to my ongoing list, so I can know to approach such things in future repeating "there are no tigers here".  

What began as looking for tools to deal with defiance and nurturing my children's emotions as I didn't believe in shouting or rudimentary punishments for sake of it, has ended up giving me tools to deal with my own emotional reactions as a parent, and life in general.